VERSA’S VALENTINE’S DAY OXLOVE GUIDE
How to get a coveted shoutout on Oxford’s premier online dating platform
1. Location You’re not going to pick one of these up anywhere. Choose your location wisely. Here are some our favourites: • The Missing Bean Café: for that soppy literary type; sonnets, haikus and undying love seem to consistently emanate from this KeepCup hotspot. • Rad Cam: full of slightly awkward history students who’d rather post an OxLove and crush on you from afar, rather than actually approach you. Don’t bother with the rest of the Bodleian; it’s full of graduate students who don’t know, and quite frankly, probably don’t care, about what OxLove is. • The Taylorian: now we’re not even sure what or where this is, but judging by all the OxLoves, this is a veritable mating ground for language students. • Thursday Night Bridge Queue: you may be frustrated as you’re sobering up in the hour-long bridge queue, but be calm – this is a breeding ground for OxLoves. Containing hundreds of semi-drunk students in a small, tight space…someone is bound to end up chirpsing you. • Another college’s bop: Bored of what your college has to offer? Pop on over to another college’s bop. Alongside the thrill of potentially getting caught, horrendously intoxicated students will be intrigued by a foreign specimen, and will certainly want to gush about their new exotic crush on OxLove.
• G&Ds ice-cream shop: lol, jk, no one goes here.
2. Outfit Versa has 3 words for you: Keep. It. Depop-y.
Dungarees, cords, flirty flares. Get out the vintage Hilfiger, that 90’s denim skirt, retro 80s sportswear. De. Pop. Till. You. Drop.
3. Time of Day
• That 2pm post-lunch slump or the 4pm pre-teatime concentration fade is the optimum time to be spotted, as Oxford students put down their reading lists and look above their Macbook screens.
4. How to Act • Wistful eyes • Intense concentration on work and an “unawareness” that someone is staring at you (NB: you are obviously completely aware, you’ve engineered this situation, but you have to give the impression of being totally engrossed in Chaucer/cell structures/memes). • Have a “cute” tic – play with your hair, chew your pencil, sit crossed-legged. The OxLovers seem to go wild for this.
• Make “the eyes”. You know what they are. Make them over the top of the desk. Make them across the café. Make it damn clear that you like them and that you want them to return this affection with an explicit (as in unambiguous – you obvs don’t want it to get filtered) online declaration of their lust.