VERSA | The Oxford-knobs you’ll see walking down Cornmarket Street

1) The Posho

Generally what you’d expect to find in Oxford. Strides confidently down the street, with a couple of pals from “School” in tow. Typically has no concept of their position in life because they have been surrounded by other poshos when growing up. Relate stories about the banterous times that were had, involving ten bottles of Dom Perignon, a hapless housemaid and one bodily fluid or three. However, on the most part, this chap is harmless. Just take everything he says with a shitload of salt, because he has most likely never come into contact with anyone on an income less than 100 grand a year.

2) Rah Rah Girl

“Sorry it’s taken me so long to get back to you, I’ve just like been busy volunteering in like Africa?” Yes. These girls end every statement like it’s a question, are constantly name-dropping places they’ve been to, people they’ve slept with and good deeds they have done. On top of that, they suffer from crippling insecurities, most likely due to an existence that is laden with expectation from daddy. These are the kind of girls who will very quickly decide who is unworthy of their attention, company, and even courtesy: “Good morning Nelly/Effie/Tilly!” “……..” Every. Fucking. Time. You can spot these Oxford knobs by their tailored coats, smart boots and blouses.

3) The social justice warrior

This Oxford knob will walk down Cornmarket Street with a strong sense of purpose. Where are they going? Is it another rally? Is it to hand in a petition? Or are they just going to feed some ducks? Whatever it is, they will be armed with a series of buzzwords to keep your disgraceful political in-correctness under control. They will definitely be infuriated by the posho, but invariably end up sleeping with them after a drunken G&T fuelled debate on the bedroom tax over one of the library desks late at night.

4) The pseudo-intellectual

Probably smokes Benson and Hedges in between making vague statements about existentialism, nihilism, hedonism and pretty much any kind of -ism that you could dream of. You can spot this fellow or fellass by their horn-rimmed glasses, Oxford brogues, floor-touching pleated skirt (if fellass) or very skinny jeans (if fellow). Their gait is light and meandering, just like the river Isis they are so fond of sitting beside. Oh, and they genuinely enjoy student-devised theatre and can be moved to tears by the emotive physical theatre. Who’d have thought a pile of pulsating bodies could be so profound? How charming, how wonderful!

5) The baseball hat bellend/Ralph-Lauren Roadman/Streetonian

Goes to Grime and Punishment so they can scream “SHUT DOWN” at that one grime song they know. Probably went to private school, despite their assertions that they truly are “safe bruv”, and, you know, they’d really love for you to come out because it will be a “sick night” and totally “peak” if you just stay in. They will have you pleading “tell ma man shut up” after a short conversation and can be spotted primarily by the snapbacks, sportswear, air maxes and posh voices, straining to sound street. If female, just add a puffer jacket.

6) The lad

“Do you remember when I pushed Jasper into the meat-grinder and he came out unscathed apart from his penis, which is probably now being sold as mince?” “BANTAAAHHHHH!!!” “Did you hear about that time when Ollie was with that girl and he was so drunk he chundered on her tits?” “BAAAANTAAAHHHH!!” Not to be confused with the posho, but generally associated with (except this time with sport added), these lads are often seen recapping tales of crew dates, drunken nights and hilarious (and possibly fictional) sexual encounters. They are fun to have around if your only other option is cleaning the Magdalen Street public toilets with your tongue.

7) The Wholesome One You Just Can’t Hate Even Though You Really Wish You Could

Vegan this, almond oil that, gluten-free here, yoga workouts there, green coffee now, paleo diet later, Eastern philosophy in the mind, Eastern rug on the wall. Probably has an expression of permanent serenity because they have found inner-peace and know that they are self-assured enough not to be consumed with your dangerous cycle of worry and frustration. Maybe you once confided something in them, and they mumbled something about it being down to your “leaky gut”. This person, however, is completely un-hateable due to their constant good nature and kindness. They probably would pidge you a cookie if they thought you looked sad, and are always there for a chat. Let’s face it, you’re just jealous, and that makes it worse.

So there we have it! There are of course other Oxford Knobs to look out for, but these seven should be enough to get you started with your systematic bullying. Good luck!