Ah, Oxbridge boys…famously irresistible. Eddie Redmayne and his dreamy smile and elegance…Hugh Grant in Four Weddings, or in Love Actually…Boris Johnson and his…um…flop of blonde hair? Well, at the very least he has power, money and fame, right? So, depending on what your heart desires, here’s a selection of Oxbridge’s most common types of men and how to snag them.
1. The Gentleman
Common traits: Spitting image of a British stereotype. Tall, skinny, phlegmatic light eyes, raised and educated in the chic English countryside. At least one parent from Oxbridge. Has several dogs and horses. Always wears tweed jackets. Drinks a lot of posh sparkling wine and expensive scotch. Lives carefreely off his parents’ income. Will carry your bags for you, rarely start a fight, patiently stand your hysterical fits and get you chocolate on the other side of town if requested.
Where to find him: In the pages of Tatler, in the library, in an art gallery, in his room reading and drinking whisky.
How to get him: Preferably make the first move. But do it subtly. Offer an outing to that art exhibition you are dying to see. Pretend to be a lady mixed with a hint of girlishness. It’ll trick and flatter him into wanting to protect and look after you.
Famous Gentlemen: Hugh Grant and Eddie Redmayne.
Plus sides: Will always know exactly how to act and talk within high society. Chivalrous.
Downsides: Can be a bit dull and a bit meek.
Oh, “golf“? Is that what the kids are calling it these days?
2. The Future Prime Minister
Common traits: Member of the Bullingdon or the Pitt Club. President of the Oxford or Cambridge Union. Addicted to the debating society. Usually head of the university paper. Has a killer CV. Enjoys going to tutorials in black tie. Reads PPE. First Among Equals is his Bible. Will talk endlessly about his next campaign. Will also complain about British politics and what the government ought to do.
Where to find him: Within the Oxford or Cambridge Union.
How to get him: Make sure you seem a possible First Lady i.e. may your hair be as impeccable as your political knowledge. Get him talking about current issues.
Famous Future Prime Ministers: Do I really have to enumerate them?
Plus sides: If you can keep him, money and high society are all yours.
Down sides: Ruthless. Probably cold-hearted. And politics get tedious after a while…
“Darling. You’re slouching.”
3. The Hipster
Common traits: He’s really witty and knows every book about his subject by heart. Has an eclectic and occasionally odd dress sense. Expect bright pink trousers and floral shirts buttoned all the way up. Only listens to “cool music” i.e. artists no one’s ever heard of. Smokes cigarettes and occasionally weed. Skips lectures to go clubbing in London. Most definitely an English student. On rare occasions a Linguist. Will take you to the trendiest bars in London and talk to you non-stop about Wilkie Collins and might slip into speaking Old English. Be prepared and grab a dictionary.
Where to find him: Usually alone, smoking a cigarette while writing his essay. Otherwise, at a music festival.
How to get him: Compliment him on his style and follow up on a comment about how boring it is that your tutor won’t let you study Freud. Watch his eyes shine. Follow up with “I have some weed. Wanna smoke up?’ Wait actually, don’t do that.
Famous Hipsters: Oscar Wilde (minus the fact he was gay), Evelyn Waugh (not counting his first two terms at Oxford).
Plus sides: Will probably become a famous author.
Downsides: Might get arrested.
7/10 for smoking a straight, down to 6/10 for looking at the camera.
4. The Lad
Common traits: Wears (red) chinos/trousers. Is from Eton, St. Paul’s, Wellington, Westminster or Winchester, take your pick. Rugby and drinking games are the two sacred pillars upon which his life stands. His hobbies consist of crewdates (the messier the better), sharking, wrecking the college quad during bops, skinny-dipping and clubbing. Will never hand in an essay and rarely comes to tutorials. Most likely got into Oxbridge thanks to his daddy’s money.
Where to find him: in any sporting event, in a crewdate, in a club.
How to get him: Be preferably blonde and skinny. Wait until he’s drunk. Then on your marks, get set, go!
Famous Lads: David Cameron and Boris Johnson.
Plus sides: He’s filthy rich.
Downsides: Don’t expect any fidelity on his part. Do, however, expect a lot of post-party vomit on your doorstep.
Yeah, I’ve seen enough
5. The Rower
Common Traits: His mind and body epitomize only one thing: ROWING. Has one goal in life: If he’s from Oxford, to beat Cambridge in the Boat Race. If he’s from Cambridge, to beat Oxford.
Where to find him: doing an erg or by the river.
How to get him: Join the rowing team. Wait – are you actually going to get up EVERY DAY at 5am? Sounds borderline desperate to me.
Famous Rower: Sir Matthew Pinsent.
Plus sides: Has a Daniel Craig body.
Downsides: There comes a moment in life when one realizes that there is a world BEYOND rowing.
Damp, glistening thighs. Defined, sculpted musculature. Occasional, really problematic sexism.
6. The Foreigner
Common traits: He’s, uh, foreign? And usually something of a genius. Speaks an insufferable quantity of languages and yet isn’t even a linguist – but a computer scientist. Embarrassingly, probably possesses a stronger command of English grammar than you do, and therefore speaks like Mr. Darcy.
Where to find him: If he’s French, check out the French society. German, the German society. And so on…
Famous Foreigners: Vladimir Nabokov and T.S. Eliot.
Plus sides: He’s exotic. Usually incredibly cultured and intelligent. If he’s French he’ll probably take you to Paris.
Downsides: Culture clashes. His high intelligence might trigger personal insecurity. When fighting, be ready for insults concerning Britain.
He lives in Berlin and is better than you. See also: painfully white
Tags: Hacks — oxford men — rowing — stereotypes