VERSA | I write for VERSA and I think it’s shit

Typical versa trying to be controversial for the sake of it without humour or tact…

VERSA is the journalistic equivalent of a toddler on too much sugar and not enough sleep, doing a poo in its pants in the middle of its parents’ civilised tea party, just for attention. VERSA does not care that this attention is a thin-lipped sigh of frustration as its bottom is wiped and the mess is cleaned up. VERSA considers throwing up as well next time, for extra impact.

VERSA will attack anyone and anything, whether you are a vulnerable woman, OUSU, Kate Plummer’s friends, the NUS, Labour, The Conservatives, The Oxford Left, The Oxford Right, a slow walker, an English student or Wadham (it goes on), nobody is immune to its boringly predictable snark. For example, this is what VERSA would say about, say, forks.

We don’t like forks. Forks are FORKING stupid. 

This is VERSA on queueing.

We don’t like queueing. Queueing is for losers.

You get my drift. VERSA just hates on stuff for the sake of it, to provoke a reaction. It often lacks any hint of humour, but you can always tell that it is trying to be funny, which really is rather sad. VERSA does not care if that reaction is a bad reaction (as it often is), since apparently any publicity is good publicity.

I mean, don’t get me wrong, VERSA used to be cool. It expressed genuinely interesting and alternative opinions, platforming everyone, no matter how controversial they may be. Now the novelty has worn off and it feels contrived and mass-produced, like those edgy 90s chokers.

VERSA is your parents awkwardly dancing at the annual family barbecue after a buck’s fizz too many. VERSA is your uncle Jim shouting provocative racist gibberish just for a reaction, at Christmas dinner. VERSA is your flat-mate leaving his shits in the toilet because he is so proud of their size. I could go on forever.

VERSA has basically gotten old, and it is embarrassing. Although I did compare it to a toddler earlier. See, our writers can’t even maintain consistency through a single 400 word article! I sometimes look over at the Cherwell or the OxStu and a tear comes to my eye that I am not good enough for proper high brow student journalism, and remain stuck here, in this bastion of vacuous bullshit. It’s like the Daily Mail, but worse.

Let this article serve as a sign of how desperate for content VERSA actually is. We genuinely are the pits. Someone help.