VERSA goes undercover to expose the inner workings of ‘The Gaytriarchy’

For years an agent has been working deep cover, gaining an intimate knowledge of The Gaytriarchy. That agent has now surfaced, to report to VERSA the impressive power and bizarre traditions of a little-known society in Oxford. This society wields influence and power – enough to convince many that the homosexual agenda is just ‘liberation’…

The origin

They burst onto the political scene at Oxford when endorsing a candidate at last year’s OUSU election, in which Jane Cahill of Jane4Change was defeated by the behemoth that is Louis Trup, of LJTrup4OUSU4Change. People thought it was simply LGBTQ Soc engaging in some harmless student politics. We thought ‘abtivism’ was a laughing matter.

The Gaytriarchy weaponise muscled abs

This was the first surfacing of an organisation who are rumoured to have long held great influence. Their defeat in this election pushed the cult back underground, but this setback softened none of their determination for power.

The headquarters

For a time, The Gaytriarchy appeared homeless: enemies within Oriel had forced the closure of their previous HQ, Babylove. But they were, as always, one step ahead. VERSA can now exclusively reveal The Gaytriarchy base their operations at The Plush Lounge, 27 Park End Street. The LGBTQ club is a rising favourite among students, which can be clearly attributed to the organisation’s backing.

The Plush queue now often rivals those of Park End and Bridge. Is this just the beginning of its domination?

Part of the club’s success is a result of the price of its drinks. But know this – your jaegerbombs are so cheap not because of the efficient running of the club but subsidies from The Gaytriarchy. We’ve all been drinking their fluids without even knowing it.

The uniform

The Gaytriarchy have a very strict and very strange uniform for their night-time rituals. They always paint themselves with hallucinatory drugs. Yes, what the fuck.

Beware the influence of ‘glitter’

How has this not been exposed before? Clever disguises. The ordinary bystander assumes they are simply wearing glitter. How wrong they are.

The quiche

The secret has already leaked of the strange eating habits of The Gaytriarchy, even if the details have been until now unclear. Quiche is the nourishment of this secret society. It holds such a hallowed position in their banquets that they describe anything they wish to consume as ‘quiche’, including people.

The VERSA editors have been described as ‘quiche’, AKA ‘to be eaten by The Gaytriarchy’

The membership

Unlike many other elite societies, membership of The Gaytriarchy does not depend on your background, but your sexual orientation. Being LGBTQ is the first necessity, but that alone won’t get you in: a ruthless streak is just as important. And you have to be hot.

Keeping a tight control on who can become members is a vital necessity, so candidates are chosen in an intimate interview. Some candidates do not even know they are being interviewed: they leave Babylove/Plush thinking they have pulled. They haven’t. They have been specifically chosen for The Gaytriarchy’s famously clandestine interview process. This is considered a great honour, VERSA can confirm.

The aims

Only the most ruthless of the queer community are accepted into The Gaytriarchy, since only these people can achieve their primary aim: replacement of the patriarchy. They pursue a variation of ‘the homosexual agenda’ – world domination by those who are attractive and identify as LGBTQ.

They have been exercising the power of their large voting bloc in Oxford, and are now putting members in key positions in government, in business, and in the media.

They have a few other aims: to force everyone to eat quiche and wear their hallucinogenic ‘glitter’. These come behind world domination in order of importance, though not as far behind as you might think.

This is just the beginning

If we have to be ruled by a ‘shady’ cult, at least it will bring a queer, sex-positive, safe-space… 

Just kidding. VERSA actually discovered that we’re all past the age of six, we’re all equal, and there’s no such thing as a secret LGBTQ elite.