Ticket Touts Kneecapped Under New Bullingdon Regime VERSA

Last night, three Bullingdon ticket touts were subject to a brutal attack, kneecapped with a Black and Decker power tool. This is the latest developments in Bullingdon’s recent crack down on ticket touts, coordinated by Paul ‘smash yer face in’ Williams.

Fred Stripe was found in tears on the doorstep of his Cowley house. His knee-capping has permanently put an end to his ability to dance to DJ Stringray. His only crime was attempting to sell his GunFingers ticket on for profit.

Last week Paul Williams, an ex-KGB member, was flown in from Russia by the Bullingdon. This is the latest in a long sequence of events for the trendy Cowley club following a regime change reminiscent of the former Soviet Union. On Friday, the profiteering enterprise of organisations such as Fixr and Oxtickets was stamped down upon as all tickets were nationalised under the Bullingdon.

The People’s Manifesto

The news broke after Thursday’s announcement that the regime would no longer be endorsing the resale of tickets for shameless profit. Instead tickets would be allocated on the basis of to each according to his need, from each according to his ability.

Discontent raged amongst die-hard capitalists, with many dumping their stock in GunFingers tickets during the course of  ‘Black Thursday’. The World Bank described the bubble burst as worse than the 2008 mortgage crisis and the 1929 Wall Street Crash put together. However, the People’s Republic of Bullingdon insist that this upheaval is necessary in order to forge the new world order that Marx envisioned.

The end of capitalism?

Thus far communication with the elusive state has been minimal, though the new regime has assured visitors that its relationship with the West will remain civil and has denied rumours of a pingers famine. Border restrictions, meanwhile, have been toughened and citizens are required to bring correct identification papers to Checkpoint Charlie, where sniffers are in place.