Student who actually failed collection forced to rusticate VERSA

First year modern languages student, Tekhit Ezee, was informed by his college that he would have to suspend his studies, following his unsatisfactory grade in this term’s collections. The decision is believed to be part of a university-wide crackdown in order to make the exams actually seem relevant. 

Tekhit fatefully admitted to his tutor, Dr. Ann Gerryman, that he had done no revision over the holiday. She curtly reminded him he was not given a holiday only a vac and asked him to leave his keys with the porters.

We were able to catch up with Tekhit, as he was loading the last of his unopened Cheerios boxes into the back of his mum’s Volvo. He said, “I was duped. It’s simple. I didn’t realise the reassuring cries of ‘I have done no work for collections’ were all done to satirise a student like myself.”

The senior tutor at Brasenose has responded to accusations of excessive punishment, posting on the JCR Facebook page “this is just the beginning”. The university is expected to roll out its collection reforms early next year including mandatory drug testing, strip searches, and a breathalyser test for all students. Versa has also learned that bathroom breaks are to be strictly prohibited, to be replaced by a Bodleian Libraries keep-cup and a disapproving stare from the examiner.

It is currently unclear as to what will become of the thousands of other students who also failed their Trinity Term collections. Vice Chancellor, Louise Richardson, announced that disciplinary decisions will proceed as soon as their tutors finish marking the scripts on Friday of 8th week.