Scientists Discover Welfare Tea Reduces Risk of Depression by 200% VERSA

Scientists at the Tetley Faculty for Psychological Research have, for the first time, found a conclusive correlation between the consumption of Earl Grey Tea and the prevalence of adolescent onset depression.

The discovery, which has been hailed as ‘a cure’ and ‘the biggest thing since the polio vaccine’ was announced today by Drs. Peter and George Tipps, the twin researchers responsible for that pyramid shaped bag. When asked about their success, the brothers claimed the idea came to them when Oxford Welfare Reps told them of the restorative powers of Twinings, which has been used in shamanic healing and pagan religious ceremonies for millennia.

However, not everyone seems to be happy and the research has not been without its significant criticism. Lobbyists from the Bourbon Institute claim that the research data has been contaminated with that of a separate biscuit related trial, whilst that one prick from your course who only drinks artisanal coffee is absolutely fuming.

Nevertheless the landmark discovery has proved life-changing to anyone who needs to bulk out their CV with a JCR position. One Welfare Rep commented that it was ‘a monumental relief’ to see all their hard work have such tangible results at last – rustication is now down 70% this year. The Tetley Faculty, meanwhile, has since been granted an additional grant to further its research into ascertaining precisely how funny dental dams actually are.

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