A greater geographical knowledge, a bruised lip and a marriage proposal: just a few of the things I gained from this bizarre night. I was walking back from a night out. My friends were tired, I was not. I came across a young(ish) – ok, he really wasn’t that young – man. He seemed perfectly nice and, as I said, I was not quite ready for the night to end. So, I invited him back to my room for a “drink”. Nothing wrong with that! At least half of you have tinder, so this is just getting straight to the point, without any of that swipe malarkey and awkward digital chat. Frankly, I think he seemed surprised that he actually was getting invited back, proving perhaps that when you think to yourself “does that ever work for you?” when you are getting chatted up/”flattered”/ harassed by an individual, the answer is almost always “no” – at least if this guy’s reaction was anything to go by.
Not the newest country in the world
Anyway, we went to my room for the “drink”. I should probably mention that his English was far from fluent and I do not even know the name of his native tongue. A subsequent Google search was not any more enlightening, as he could have spoken any of seventeen (!) national languages. I gave him a vodka and ginger beer, which we awkwardly sipped as I wondered how long we would have to forge forced small talk over a substantial language barrier.
It was during this time that I learnt he was from “the newest country in the world”, “near Australia”, which had been independent since ‘1-9-9-9’ with lots of mangoes, ocean and jungle. He’s also apparently studied geography and sociology at the University of Jaipur. I think the country he is from is East Timor, or Timor-Leste (which is Indonesia’s next door neighbour) though this was never explicitly said. Yet according to the internet it’s not from 1999, but 2002, which is awkward. Though what is even more awkward is that it’s not the newest in the world, but the fourth, with South Sudan blazing ahead in nascent sovereignty terms. So I feel very hard done by.
To make sure you don’t feel too hard done by, though, I’ll talk about the sex now. In all honesty it was very vanilla. Though, perhaps it was this distinctly vanilla nature which made it so remarkable – “extreme vanilla”, if you will. Blowjobs were more than expected, as was the missionary position. Anything beyond this seemed too radical. Apparently this guy was only on the vanguard in regard to state formation and certainly not in the bedroom. Attempts to go on top were fraught, ultimately resulting in failure. Clitoral stimulation was as non-existent as patency laws in East Timor (they don’t have any). They’ve only been a country since 2002, so give them a break. I don’t think the clitoris was very accepted either way, as he in fact once pulled my hand away from said area.
Any time that I made any vocal indication of enjoyment, I was quickly hushed. I would like to emphasise the fact that I was not being noisy; I was just not being silent. Nevertheless what certainly did add an element of excitement was his lack of suitable vocabulary. Thus in his efforts to ensure the missionary position was maintained at all times, he would say “go to sleep, go to sleep,” which I must admit was more than unsettling. To be told to go to sleep by the person who is currently inside you is an odd experience to say the least. Don’t worry, it soon became evident that he was just trying to say “lie down”, which is far more understandable – and less psychopathic.
His kissing was far from ordinary. It’s probably best described as making out with a moist vacuum cleaner that contains a persistent snake trying to escape. This resulted in a mouth love bite or bruised lip, which was far from ideal. It was clear that he wanted this odd technique to be reciprocated. It was not, as that’s just really weird. What was also unusual was his constant fear of someone coming into the room and other people being aware of us engaging in intercourse, despite the fact we were both near silence throughout the duration of coitus. And when I tried to calm his fear of other people knowing that actual sex was occurring, due to the hefty language barrier I think I made it seem like a lived in some kind of sex commune. Though I don’t think he understood, so it’s ok. Then again, perhaps I just didn’t understand what he was trying to say. Oh hell.
Once the deed was done it got the most bizarre. He held me for a bit, which I always think is kind of uncomfortable, especially when it is interjected with vacuum cleaner kisses. It was during this time of pillow chat that I was again told about the beauties of what I assume was Timor-Leste, when he exclaimed – quite out of the blue – his love for me, admiration for my beauty, and his intention to make me his wife(!!!!). Obviously this was all certified bullshit, as was his apparent desire to get my number. This is undoubtedly more than puzzling behaviour. I have two theories. One: he is a complete fantasist, who has zero understanding of reality. He likes to pretend he is from the newest country in the world, yet is not from South Sudan. He genuinely thought he was in love with me and that we would elope to this new country and make a life for ourselves. I think this is more than unlikely.
Theory number two has a bit more scope. He may or may not be from East Timor, but that’s not really important. He had zero intention of marrying me and certainly no feelings towards me. But he perhaps thought that he had to essentially play this game because of the fucking. For the female, the sex was shit but you got a proposal at the end (even if it was intention-less). With my experience of boys, they generally don’t go for the whole declaration of love/marriage proposal thing, but are generally more aware of the clitoris and the fact that women have sexual appetites with the potential to be fulfilled. They almost never pretend to be romantic in a wholly unromantic situation, possibly because they acknowledge that the female at least has the potential of enjoyment.
In terms of a one night stand, I’d always opt for the truth and at least the possibility of orgasm, as opposed to fairy-tale lies and zero sexual satisfaction. But if you get the truth you may be missing out on gaining a greater knowledge of the world’s nations. I’d love to tell you that this story has a happy ending, but unfortunately whilst East Timor Man may have received two happy endings that evening; I was left unsatisfied and disappointed, not least because he was not actually from the newest country in the world. Though I must admit my curiosity towards Oceania was heightened. It was much like how I imagine new sovereignty feels: independence is not as great as expected, but you’re still intrigued to see how it will play out.
Tags: international — love — marriage — nightlife — one night stands — sex