Students across the university were confronted with a shocking scene this morning. Upon their customary morning browse, many Facebook users were aghast to find that their preferred dumping ground for petty squabbles and medium-rare beef, ‘Oxfeud’, had been disabled.
Former users are now faced with a harrowing reality: actually having to confront people about their feelings. Anxiety hit fever pitch in the Rad Cam this afternoon, with one Exonian dramatically accusing her desk-partner of being “a bitch” and of “sniffling like snotty Mr. Whippy machine”, before fervently exiting the library, screeching manically, and taking off all her clothes.
Similar incidents were reported across the university, with one group of students spotted parading through Cornmarket Street, accusing on-lookers of chauvinism, misogyny and elitism. We have it on good authority this is not a substitute for a personality. In addition, there have been widespread reports of looting and grave-robbing.
Some positivity can be found amidst this chaos, as approximately 1000 students have gathered this evening in Radcliffe Square, to hold a candlelit vigil for the once great page. Mourners are dressed in commoners’ robes (scholars gowns having been oft bemoaned on the site) and wear ‘angery’ paper masks to show their respects. The psychology department has also responded deftly to the crisis, setting up OxFreud: an anonymous self-help forum for those seeking to relieve their anger in a more constructive manner.