No one leaves Oxford a virgin: College Families have F*cked Us All VERSA

The Oxford student body woke this morning to find their world shattered – and yet, oddly resolved – by information leaked from the Experimental Psychology Department. It has come to light that the College Family system, disguised as the institution’s best attempt at ensuring student welfare, is in fact perhaps the most invasive and scarring psychological experiment of the 21st century.

Since the 1970s, infamous as the age of dissent that spoke out against social norms, Oxford’s Experimental Psych Dept. has manipulated the University’s conscientious, oppressed adolescents into expressing desires they didn’t know they had. College families were not the inspired idea of a trail-blazing Welfare Team: the College Family Experiment is inspired by the Oedipus and Electra Complexes, presented by Freud and Jung respectively.

Figures leaked from the studies of Dr Nicholas Riviera, head of the psychological investigation, show that in recent years, the average student has proved 60% more likely to demonstrate sexual interest in a college parent than any other peer. 57% of students have slept with a college parent/sibling before the end of their first year, with a higher figure of 84% for lesser sexual encounters. Dr. Nick admitted in his public apology that such information had been gained through forensic analysis of Welfare Pidge supplies and their depletion, as well as monitoring individuals and couples via cameras in the Pidge rooms, JCRs, and College Bars. Explaining why Oxford is a particularly apt environment for such an experiment, Riviera states, “Oxford students are often pushed to the very limit of what they can handle. The need for extreme self-discipline in the academic sphere, and often the demands from non-academic spheres such as sport, drama etc., lead to a breakdown in capacity for the self-repression of sexual desire”. “Bops, too, are very telling,” he adds.

The Experiment was not simply investigating whether these socially unacceptable desires, said by Freud to be innate to all human beings, would surface, but also what the consequences of acting upon such desires would be. Victims of the experiment – those drawn into sexual relations with people arbitrarily ascribed to them as devoted answerers of all their questions and designated carnation suppliers – cannot explain the perpetual and all-consuming anxiety they suffer. Whilst college counsellors sit through meetings with students who struggle to find the cause of their inexplicable trauma, recommending SANE Workshops and sleep deprivation talks, excuses overheard at increasingly frequent and frequented Welfare Tea include “essay crises”, “hangovers” and “lost IDs”.

The tragedy is, of course, as the Experimental Psych Dept. well knows, that we can’t get rid of our id, but we have lost our ego.