A recent scientific study has revealed that no quantity of glitter can conceal the devastating emptiness that ravages each and every one of us. This comes as a blow to the wider Oxford community, whose reliance on face and body glitter to project confidence on nights out has been put into question.

Versa reached out to one student, Assad Mann, who became very defensive when alerted to the findings: ‘What do you mean? It’s just glitter! It’s not like I’m using it as a proxy to regain a false sense of optimism in my otherwise vacuous life. I’m definitely not just smearing myself with bright dust in some crude approximation of having a shiny personality! Haha! Where did you get that idea?’


At the end of every rainbow is a teary leprechaun who just needs to be loved


Glitter, a popular accessory among the spiritually empty (most of the student population), is a stalwart of Oxford’s nightlife. However, scientist Niall List told Versa that: ‘Glitter is better thought of as ‘deflective’ than ‘reflective’: it is used as a masking agent by the emotionally starved, cloaking the dark, dull abyss of their sterile personalities. It is ‘makeup’, but it cannot ‘make up’ for the futility of their existences!’

In unrelated news, it has been revealed that there is a direct correlation between the frequency of people’s interaction with Oxloves, and their feelings of deep insecurity and profound irrelevance.

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