The western world has been shocked by reports emerging from Brasenose Lane this morning that sworn enemies, Hassan’s and Ahmed’s, still technically at war after the famous tong-throwing incident of 1950, plan to enter a joint falafel wrap team into the British Kebab Awards this year. Ahmed’s, which this year plays host to the illustrious awards ceremony, has greeted this opportunity with optimism. Head chef at Ahmed’s, Ahmed, has offered unconditional talks with his Hassan’s counterpart, while Hassan plans to send his sister to represent their proud kebab heritage at the Awards, and extend his own invitation for talks on Broad Street.

The two vans have long been enemies. Hassan’s is supported by the fast-growing Oxford power of Trinity at its border. So much so that it is rumoured that the Hassani ruling family will be paying Trinity students to cheer on their kebabs at the Awards, their own queue members, of course, being strictly prohibited from interaction with other kebab vans. Hassan’s has long threatened to annihilate its southern counterpart, though has so far been dissuaded from aggression by Ahmed’s’ unwavering Magdalen backing. The two also remain starkly divided by a de-kebabed zone along the 38th parallel, though the occasional Hassan’s citizen, mistreated and malnourished by the incredible cruelty of the massive Hassan’s queue, makes the gruelling trip over to Ahmed’s. There, it often takes a substantial amount of time and effort to come to terms with the decision that they have made, and the loved ones that the brave ex-Hassan’s goer may have left behind. The sad reality is that they will likely never speak to each other again.

Some have attributed the détente to the impact of High Street Kebab’s second term in office. This term has seen erratic and often aggressive behaviour, which has culminated in a recent kebab-van shutdown. As worrying as this has been for the I-cannot-be-fucked-to-stand-in-this-line population, the international community has certainly been lifted by its impact on the Kebab-van peninsula. However, many have been extremely careful to attribute the developments to recent High Street food-service, which has been, at best, underwhelming.

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