In a shock decision, Cherwell has decided to retract every single article it has ever written. The ‘independent’ ‘news organisation’ has since deleted its website, closed down its facebook account, and the editors are rumoured to be hiding from Union lawyers in a secret bunker under Christchurch. This is after it today retracted the majority of its front page article about the Oxford Union President Chris Zabilowicz. The allegations made included that Mr Zailowicz had installed a replica Iron Throne in his office, had done cocaine off of the back of Anthony Scaramuucci at a dinner, and had once even coffee-d himself out of running for a position. Other watertight articles from the October 20th issue included a claim that Louise Richardson was in fact a green scaly lizard, and that 130% of students go clubbing at least 8 times a week.

Union hack Digby Jones commented “Justice has been served. It is simply not right for a newspaper to ruin someone from our historic chamber’s hard work by throwing around spurious allegations and personal attacks. That’s our job.”

“To be honest, we figured it was better to be safe than sorry” admitted Cherwell’s Head of Facts, Godfrey Bloomington-Smith.

“At least we managed to salvage the spirit of the organisation, what really matters. I can still put it on my C.V.”

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