The Bullingdon Bar, 3am, Saturday

Dear Vice Chancellor,

I was hoping you could help a friend of mine with an intimate issue. This friend of mine was boogying away at the Bullingdon when he met a rather lovely young lady, who proceeded to accompany him back to his rooms for some peppermint tea and crumpets. All would have been well, except that this friend of mine fell foul to his penchant for the consumption of chocolate cookies. As it turns out, that fateful evening he had marginally overcooked it, and eaten far too many cookies for one casual cookie-eater to handle. While he loves to eat cookies from time to time, his friends partake far more frequently and he could not quite keep up with their insatiable appetites. The problem is that having eaten so many cookies, as well as having drunk quite a few glasses of milk, this friend of mine has absolutely no idea who this girl was, where she came from, or the extent to which she even existed.

Nevertheless he awoke in bed with remnants of crumbs smeared across his face. Dazed and confused, the only thing to remind him of the soiree was the unsatisfied face of his nighttime visitor. Needless to say, she did not accept his friend request.

This is everything this friend of mine has told me, and I’m sure he would be most grateful for any advice.

Many thanks,

A caring friend who has himself outgrown cookie eating.

 

Dear “A caring friend who has himself outgrown cookie eating”,

I am glad to hear that you have yourself outgrown such a dirty habit, and yet still show such desperate concern for the plight of your ‘friend’ and his love life. I must admit that once upon a time I myself, believe it or not, had a few run-ins with mixing milk and cookies, as many of us have. The first issue here seems to be one of tolerance: if this friend of yours insists on joining in or feels pressured to eat such tasty treats, he needs to know where his limits lie, and not overdo it so that he loses any mental faculties and motor skills he might originally have possessed. What kind of cookies were these exactly? I hear that baked goods these days have become far more potent, with all the artisanal and delicatessen bakers producing an even sweeter tasting biscuit. To compensate for this high, I strongly recommend that your friend drink more milk. After all, you can never have enough cold ones with the boys.

The second issue, and no small issue it is, seems quite frankly to be his judgement of situations. If you’re in that sort of state, and a lady seems that willing to come home with you, it’s probably time to realise she might have motives beyond being dribbled on all evening. I hope this can be of some use, and quite honestly, just stay away from that sort of thing. I hear the drugs and alcohol are much more fun anyway.

All the best,

V-C x

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