Unlikely Wadham undergrad John Luke Smith has reportedly survived after being picking up a nasty shard of wood in his thumb from a dodgy oar last Tuesday, but made the brave decision to not call in his health insurance over it.
“I was banging out a 2k when I felt this stabbing pain in my right hand. I looked down and couldn’t believe the carnage. It took all my strength to keep from capsizing everyone, but we made it to shore. I guess God just has it in for some people”, said Smith, in post-recovery interview. “But yeah, yknow, we push through these things. It’s not easy, but men like me can do it. I’m not gay about it or anything.”
“They’d probably just try to shove pills down me if I visited the infirmary anyway. I mean, what’s that crap? Bullshit for crazy people. They’d probably try to change my gender to one of the 50 million others they’ve made up. I mean, get real. Be more like me”.
John was also in trouble last week after being caught in fits of rage tearing down posters that indicated his local JCR was a “safe space”. He had this to say:
“I mean, if I can handle my shit, why can’t they? They’re so triggered! What’s there to complain about? I have like, no problems with racism in this day and age, and whenever I’m sad I just man up, so obviously that “depression” thing’s a myth. I guess everyone else is just triggered! I bet they’re triggered!”
“I know I should’ve gone to Keble”, John yelled, as he stormed off to his local OUCA meeting to sell “Ibiza Rave” tickets for the Bullingdon Club.