Disclaimer: none of these events actually occurred, and this is a work of fiction.

According to sources, the warden muttered, “try it, you silly special snowflake millennial tit,” after a particularly tense meeting with the JCR president, Rain Underwood.

Rain was meeting with the warden to address issues raised by JCR members, Tristain Burckerill and Storm Hailowicz, involving the presence of white sugar at breakfast, while brown sugar was left off the menu. The pair explained in their motion to the JCR that, “the absence of brown sugar at breakfast time could be perceived as marginalising”. The motion resolved to “condemn the catering team for their problematic behaviours”, although curiously, no mandate for stocking brown sugar was mentioned.

Rain Underwood told VERSA, “I was deeply saddened that members of our JCR could be made to feel unsafe because of something so easily avoidable as sugar colours, but it is my duty as JCR president to take on these emotional burdens and ensure that they are solved. So I set up a meeting with the warden so that we could discuss the issue.”

Rain did not explain exactly what the nature of the meeting would be in her initial email to the warden’s secretary, stating only that it was “on a matter of significant importance to college members’ welfare”. A meeting of urgent status was organised for later that day.

The warden was apparently shocked, not at the issue of white supremacy in the sugar bowl but, “at the fact that Rain had the nerve to put these trivial concerns on the same level as other welfare issues of genuine importance.” Rain attempted to defend her position by saying, “people are triggered by different things, and we have to respect them all,”, to which the warden purportedly responded, “TRIGGERED? Don’t you dare put a sense of mild discomfort and offence on the same level as actual responses to PTSD. This is not a joke. This is not a game.” As Underwood stormed out of the office, she said something tearfully about “condemning the warden next time” to which the warden scoffed, “Go ahead and try it you silly special snowflake millennial tit.”

We hope that the issue is resolved soon, and that all parties involved can learn to make compromises and thrive in the face of adversity. 

This article has 5 comments

  1. When did Versa become shit?

    You published this?

  2. The ghost of Nick, Ruth and Amelia

    Oh right it’s satire

  3. would anyone liek to talk about my bum

  4. Finn "90 seconds" Lees

    This article is shit

    also this is the real Finn Lees – the person commenting as “Finn Lees” is fake

  5. Click bait article alert.

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