Christ Church JCR members have created the position of a Staff Liaison Officer in order to pass on feedback regarding the performance of their scouts and porters

Apparently, the feedback is to be given in a big gathering of college staff, with a fine selection of sandwiches and cups of tea. But what do you imagine JCR members will have to say in the small comments box at the bottom of the feedback sheet?

Cuthbert Houghton-Thistleback, a second-year classicist, wrote the following about the  service   performance of their scouts:

“The bloody woman comes in at 9.30. Nine-bloody-thirty, that’s practically dawn. The worst is what she doesn’t do. All the empty pots of foie gras and caviar, and bottles of champagne, lying on the floor were untouched. All she does is empty the bins, hoover the floor and clean my bathroom. Absolute disgrace, 4/10.”

Another JCR member, Spencer Fitzroy-Smythe, a third-year historian, wrote:

“I was getting dressed one morning, and the scout came in. I was looking in the mirror, trying to decide which tie looked best with a dark-blue quilted jacket and red chinos, and ladies know best with these things, so I asked her for advice. She said they both looked nice, which is useless, and then when I pressed her further, she chose the brown one. Everyone knows you don’t wear brown in town! Poor form! 6.5/10”

Frederick Postlethwaite-Beauchamp (pronounced Beecham), reading Philosophy and Theology, commented:

“I was planning a party on Friday evening for the Phil-The Crew (get it, filthy), and I asked the scout if she would do me the small favour of getting my black-tie dry cleaned, popping to Waitrose to get canapés, and picking up some coke from my dealer. And she had the audacity to refuse this simple request, and that she wasn’t my servant! Let me remind her who pays the battels and her wages! My mother wouldn’t have said no, that’s for starters. 3/10″

An anonymous student has said:

“I was reading on Victorian methods of evaluating the competency of their servants. They would place a coin under a rug, and if the lady of the house saw that it had been left there, she was sacked. So I rolled out my antique Persian rug, and placed a fifty-pence piece underneath. Let’s just say: she had better be thankful that it’s 2017 not 1897, and that I’m not her employer. 5.5/10.”

It wasn’t all scathing reviews. Varicella wrote:

“I love my scout, always so kind and friendly in the mornings. One time, she saw me in bed crying and asked me what was wrong (my childhood pony had passed away, I was distraught). She put on the kettle, and gave me a big hug. It was so comforting, and it’s a random act of kindness I will treasure across my university years. That said, she won’t do my laundry so I’m forced to give her 5/10.”

Although VERSA thinks this policy is the result of posh boys and girls wanting to put staff in their place, we would like to see the reactions of the porters, out of the sheer hilarity that is bound to ensure.

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