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This week Theresa May has threshed out plans for a crackdown on the amount of internet being ‘sapped up’ by Oxford student journalism with its ‘inane mumblings about Palestine, Corbyn and some English student’s sensory reckonings.’

A new wave of quite impossibly pretentious ‘journalism’ has had much of Oxford vomiting over its keyboards. It was when it emerged that a new website was going to eschew words and images altogether, focusing exclusively on smells as a medium of conveying edgy views on Syria, that Mrs May said they’d gone ‘too far’ this time.

Philip Hammond has been placed in charge of the ‘purge’ in the hope that MPs will reduce their current 4-hour daily perusal of students rags for nuggets of wisdom from first year PPEists – currently a major source of policy-making – to a bare 30 minutes. Mr Hammond’s unique brand of sour-faced conservatism will, it is hoped, force the hacks to admit they’ve had ‘a fair run’ and resign themselves to Goldman Sachs internships like everyone else.

The Editors of Smelly Opticals weren’t available for comment; or rather they were but apparently frog-spawn and Cellar sweat can’t be relayed by email. Mrs May has gone on the record saying ‘If you think this is censorship you ain’t seen shit’. Or, indeed, smelt it.

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