In a surprise move following their triumph in this year’s Norrington Table, Oriel are to announce a permanent position for RMF protestor, Ntokozo Qwabe.
Speaking to Versa, Oriel’s Provost, Ms Maira Wallace, previously slighted by Qwabe at a protest organised by RMF, explained the decision: ‘Oriel’s SCR, rather like students at every other college, have been surprised by the college’s success in exams this year and have spent the past few weeks trying to figure out what caused it.’
She continued ‘It seems obvious to us that RMF’s constant protests outside the college have something to do with our Norrington and this was confirmed by speaking to our students. They were so sick of the consistently poor understanding of metre and rhyme employed by RMF in their chants that they closeted themselves away in libraries and studied hard instead of hanging around college drinking coffee and pretending to read.’
Qwabe has been made a JRF (Junior Resident Firebrand) and will be lodged just off Oriel Square to allow quick access to his preferred protesting point. He has been granted a stipend to cover the costs of permanent markers, painting equipment and second-hand cardboard boxes from which to make placards. The college porters have been instructed to reserve a parking space close to the Oriel Lodge where Qwabe can keep his personal affects, placards and packed lunch while protesting.
Oriel have refused to disclose how much the post is worth, but it is understood that some of the interest from Cecil Rhodes’s initial benefaction to the college is being diverted to fund it.
Qwabe has been contacted for comment. Well, sort of.