Why do you like VKS so much?

Objectively- a disgusting drink that should only be consumed by 15 year olds whose livers and taste buds are not equipped to deal with anything else. Do you have low blood sugar from running about, squatting, or whatever you do?

What clothes did you wear before your wardrobe became colonised with odious and often ill- fitting ‘stash’? Were you a person, with taste and a fashion sense? Or have you become extremely well versed in catching balls and throwing them in various appropriate nets to distract people from your inability to successfully navigate a high street?

You seem to be living a life of extremes that is quite dangerous. You are either drinking excessively in the depressing pits of Park End, or ‘Atik’, or on a drinking ban. I don’t know what is worse, steering through muscly people and dodging their blue chunder, or hearing you go on and on about your ban, as if it is a prison sentence.

Perhaps this is a life designed for maximum attention, obnoxiously drunk or obnoxiously sober. Just as so long as you’re obnoxious.


Grim. Grim.

Why is exercise fun? I was led to believe that it was a semi-necessary part of life that no-one really likes but does in order to maintain an average amount of health, like carrots. But to derive real joy from it? Let me burst your bubble. Running? Stupid. Why go on a run, only to start and end in the same place? It seems like that movement was not needed, and you have missed the point of transport slightly.

Football? Stupid. If you want to move a ball to a net, like a deranged toddler, sorting things and tidying them up in an effort to get to know the world around you, pick it up. I am sure you will find that picking a ball up and walking to place it in a ‘goal’ is far more efficient.

Swimming? Purposely inflicting yourself with verrucas. At the very best.

Lacrosse? Walking advertisment of your private education, combined with a penchant for life in the fast line. This should be banned. It is so fucking dangerous I can’t even begin to express my fear of it. The ball is very hard, and people throw it high. So, effectively, Russian Roulette for the privileged. No thanks.

Can you do your degree? Or do you hope that having a ‘blues’ in something will carry weight in the real world so noone minds when you scrape a 2:2.

If I am ever in the very unlikely position to employ people in my life, I will cull anyone from a list of prospective employees who dares to type the words ‘team player’ on their CV. I know this to be but a lie, and that the reality is that you are someone who likes to be very sweaty and possibly suffers from ADHD in some form.

Sat at a desk, devoid from social interaction, struggling to manage more than two flights of stairs at a time… at least I’d never wear a tie to Bridge.


This article has 3 comments

  1. Lukinder Surprise

    The only Oxford blue I need is OUCA lel 😛

  2. Looks like a slush puppy that got a bit melted when u put it down and forgot about it at Hollywood bowl


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