It’s the time of the year when the CherStu and Tab make official BNOC lists of the biggest legends on campus that nobody cares about. So we thought we’d have a crack at a list of our own.
Harris has achieved the extraordinary feat of holding the most prestigious position in Oxford while still managing to be totally irrelevant (honestly, did you recognise him?). One school of thought holds that this owes to his mild and bookish personality, and certainly, his former position as Union Librarian supports this theory. Another equally plausible explanation is Harris’ impeccable morals – a rare trait among Union elites. Trinity 2014 saw President Ben Sullivan accused of rape and the subsequent resignation of the Librarian; Hilary 2015 saw the President-Elect Roberto Weeden-Sanz thrown out of office. Trinity 2015 was the term of ‘Colonial Comeback’-gate, culminating in the Union passing a motion declaring itself ‘institutionally racist’. Harris’ tenure has been pitifully scandal-free. What’s more, his was a barely contested election – so he didn’t even need to lie, cheat and schmooze his way up the greasy pole of Union politics. So, whatever he’s done for the Union, Harris’ unfortunate possession of ethics and lack of enemies have earned him Big Nobody status.
Leila was awarded second place in college nominations for ‘most tragic’, a neat summation of her life. The crowning achievement of Leila’s University career to date is her appointment as Oxford’s Spotify rep, the main perk of which is an unlimited supply of plastic cups. Parsa was the architect of the totally pointless phenomenon ‘Spotify Bridge’ (yep, passed us by too). She can generally be found on a night out draped in promotional Spotify fairy lights and sipping WKD from promotional disposable vessels. In the day, she devotes her time to spamming everyone’s newsfeeds, while her own profile is so mired in Spotify it’s taken on an unhealthily green hue. As has her face from her relentless VK consumption.
Katty is a woman of particular tastes. Currently on an Erasmus year in Paris, Katty made sure she found herself an apartment proximal to a Parisian M&S. ‘I love embracing the culture’, she told VERSA. ‘They do this little thing over here where they actually give the food names, such as ‘Colin’ and ‘Percy’. I just really think there’s something quite special about that.’ There are several further examples of the degree of Cowles’ cultural connoisseurship. Katty is a member of a little-known acapella group, where she sings mainstream, cliché songs. Britney Spears’ ‘Toxic’ has particular resonance for Katty because it encapsulates her relationship with alcohol. The defining feature of Katty’s voice is its volume, and she persistently receives complaints from her Parisian neighbours. Ms Cowles attributes this to living close to ‘a bunch of jealous bitches’.
This Brighton boy is the third worst croquet player on the distinctly average Corpus Christi cuppers team. In a bid to prove his sporting prowess is not confined to the lawn, Noah has also represented his college at football. He is renowned for his sloth-like gait on the pitch – as one team mate said of Glasgow-Simmonds: ‘He moves like his limbs are foreign to him’. Other talents include middling to above-average competency at Mario Kart. Noah also likes to make his presence minimally felt at University level. He has recently undertaken a junior position on the committee of Oxford’s little known and somewhat irrelevant Astronomy Society. To achieve this feat, Noah had to fend off no competition and demonstrate no knowledge of or interest in astronomy. He is yet to actually become a member of the society, but he assures VERSA he will get round to it at some point. Glasgow-Simmonds is also co-founder of ‘Noah and Graham’s Unofficial Cheap Drinking Society’, which is, as the name suggests, a thoroughly unprestigious and essentially pointless entity whose membership comprises those not cool enough to be in an actual Oxford drinking society.
If you are fortunate enough to bump into Stuti, she is certain to draw you into an enthralling conversation about Roman property law. She loves nothing more than popping into Tesco after a Wednesday morning tutorial, and boasts to VERSA that she is on first name terms with at least two of the till workers. Stuti has been known to hit Oxford’s night scene, and is one of the diehards who sticks out Bridge to its bitter end (though admittedly only to dance to her favourite song, Cotton Eyed Joe, which is apparently played at the end of the night on the cheese floor after all the cool kids have gone to Cellar). But you have to admire Stuti’s enterprise. After hearing that she may be considered boring, Stuti got straight on the phone to Shuffle events to become a club rep, and can now be seen on Facebook preaching about £1 VKs.