No thank you, I don’t care that you have Bridge tickets tonight. No, I don’t want a garish paper wristband for the exaggerated and hopefully named ‘Wahoo’ either.

No-one buys tickets to clubs. It is pointless. Just pay at the door, clubs are never full, the promised queue jump never works, and regardless- no-one is sober enough at pres to get their shit together to make it to the club at 10:45.

I can only imagine that the reason you rep is so that people know that you go clubbing. Then you can sleep at night, assured in the knowledge that you are a full time #legend, and that people won’t think you are boring because you study the behaviour of plants at the University of Oxford.

You make like, what, 50p for every ticket you manage to sell? And you only sell in Michaelmas to freshers who haven’t realised you are just a con- person yet. Worth it? I am sure there are a plethora of just as lucrative and immoral schemes out there for students who want a little extra cash to splash. Maybe start selling Aderol to finalists…

All the clubs in Oxford are woefully depressing in some way or another- so why do you want to be associated with them? Shuffling along to collect tickets and then worrying all week about losing them and having to foot the bill, only to return most of the money yuo collect to the man. You are just perpetuating oppressive capitalist structures, where the little man gets fucked.

Alternatively, you are literally just that teenager who sold multipack Kit-Kats to other students at breaktimes in school, for 5p less than in the newsagents, who thought they were the next Alan Sugar. Forget it.

At least you get free entry, and that’s alright, I suppose. But stop the posts on the JCR, please. Lots of love, Kate V E Plummer. xox


This article has 2 comments

  1. Kit Kat sellers actually become successful lawyers.

  2. Shuffle is currently recruiting. If you’re interested in becoming a college rep, please contact me direct, on

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