Hey honey, are you ok? We haven’t heard from you in a while.

We were just wondering how you were doing. It seems like you haven’t been doing great. You haven’t been returning any of our calls. You disappear for ages then suddenly pipe up and we feel relieved to know that you are doing ok; but then you disappear again.

I am worried about all the fad diets you are going on. Beauty standards are relentless but you don’t need to only eat vegetables for a week to see what happens, or only eat from takeaway places for a week to, detached, observe the inevitable weight gain and sallow skin that it results in. You are taking a lot of study drugs, drinking weird things, participating in weird activities, all in the name of irregular journalism. Why?



But as weird as these things are, you are also not doing them enough. We need to know what brand of trainer our University is. We crave the knowledge of what Pokemon character we represent. We are desparate to find out the best clubbers of the ‘week’, however loosely the the term ‘week’ is used.

Do you exist? Do you have a staff list, weekly meetings, crewdates, socials? Or are you a machine- programmed to churn out a bi- monthly and perennially relevant articles based on a complex algorithm that we coudn’t possible understand? We are not sure.

Most importantly, who makes the t- shirts, and can we have one?

Please, the Tab. Just let us know if we can do anything. We are worried about you. You are off the rails and in need of a firm friend to sort you out and show you what journalism really is.* Get in touch.



This article has 3 comments

  1. what a pointless article

  2. more quality content from this manure-shovelling zine

  3. Who are you talking to

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