Looming over Beaumont Street like the spectre of the British Empire which it so embodies, the Ashmolean triggers me every time I walk past its oppressive façade.

Even worse than this, is what lies behind those phallic columns. Centuries of robbery have built a vast collection of trophies – almost all of which have been stolen from oppressed peoples such as the Romans, the Chinese Ming dynasty, and William Blake.

Just look at their main hall. First, one walks through the revolving door, which symbolises how the institution chews up and spits out cultures, taking them and dressing them up for public consumption like a madam in an academic whorehouse. Then one passes the smiling staff at the front desk, victims of a false consciousness that they are helping an academic enterprise. Their ignorance is staggering; they are secretly aiding and abetting a colonial-imperial complex of incredible magnitude. At the centre of the main room, one finds three statues of three white men. I bet they were all straight as well. Furthering the cis-patriarchy agenda. 

The halls of Chinese wall art, Italian statuary, and Greek vases are staggering displays of cultural appropriation and the genuinely metaphorical physical violence of the place nearly led me to assault a random member of staff.

At the end of the day who cares if the aim of museums is the enlightenment and education of the public. If they provide education at the expense of my feelings then they should not be allowed to continue.

The Ashmolean is a shocking example of colonialism, and must be torn down. Or better still, return all the artefacts to their native cultures and have an adult day-care centre inside so I can retreat from the real world. You bring the finger-paints.

This article has 3 comments

  1. honestly this isn’t even a witty piece, just word-vomit.

    I would normally say “come on Versa you can do better” but can you actually do any better, Versa? I’m not so sure any more.

  2. Did this need to exist?

  3. This is how Enlightenment values will be defended: with primary-coloured, punch-in-the-face comedy that stabs at the sclerotic heart of the intersectional beast.

    You’re doing God’s work, OP.

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