As the end of March approached, the shops began to fill with Easter eggs of various sorts, for reasons we cannot discuss here, for fear of being racially segregative and religiously problematic.
Oh fuck it, it’s Easter. Make what you will of it. Anyway, if you have ever wondered what kind of egg your college is, this is the right place to be! (That is, if you go to Christ Church, St Catz, St Hugh’s, St John’s or Wadham. If your college doesn’t appear here and you feel triggered by this omission, email a complaint to Joe.email@example.com)
Christ Church (and most of the other old, central colleges)
Definitely one of the up-scale ones. This is an egg with the “wow” factor when you rip it eagerly out of its box. The artistry on this shell of hollow chocolate most definitely includes marbling, ribbons, little sugar decorations. It is more of a visual feast than one for the taste buds, and you almost don’t want to eat it. When you finally polish it off after two weeks of tentative nibbling, you sort of wonder what the point was, spending upwards of £30 on something that is made of the same ingredients as a cheaper egg, and for a few moments your life is empty. You contemplate society’s needless capitalism and consumerism, our pointless greed. You then move on with your life, and head to the JCR for some free shitty cider.
I would reckon Catz is one of the Cadbury’s eggs, you know the ones. They’re not exactly attractive, but they’re still a chocolate, and I’m still gonna stuff my face until I can no longer feel my legs. While there may be fleeting moments of regret that it lacks the architectural antiquity of the more central eggs, it can still be appreciated for what it is and forgiven for its modesty.
Is a Fabergé Egg. Come on: it’s rich, untouchable, famous, beautiful, desired. One cannot walk on the grass, for fear that one may upset the seedlings, just as one cannot remove the Fabergé egg from its pedestal for fear of a Humpty-Dumpty type situation. St John’s is also the richest college at Oxford, just as these beauties are the most expensive eggs money can buy.
Wadham has its socialist reputation and therefore needs an egg which can be accessed by everyone, no matter their race, gender or social class. I gingerly suggest a cream egg (although now I’ve said that, AshQ is already tugging on my sleeve. I’ll let her have her input at the end.*) Creme Eggs can be found in any corner shop, supermarket or movie theatre snack bar at highly competitive prices. They also do not only have to be enjoyed at Easter, and they do not promote religious affiliation. They are truly the Egg Of The People, complete with the sickly sweet after taste .
Hugh’s is a standard egg that has been catapulted away to a great distance, because it is poor, unloved and far away. When we learn of St Hugh’s, our immediate instinct is to visit another college instead. Just as, if we were to come across a smashed egg which had been catapulted away at great distance, we would go elsewhere. However, if one were to lick the egg-stained ground, one would find a great protein content and be enriched. Unfortunately, not many people are willing to go to that level of effort, and poor St Hugh’s sits on St Margaret’s road, with a thriving colony of
bacteria students as the sun optimises the conditions for their growth. No really, it is a lovely welcoming college.
*AshQ: Creme Eggs are problematic in these ways:
- Reference to “cream” favours white people. THE EGGS ARE EVEN BROWN, AND THE *WHITE* CREAM IS STILL THE THING THEY EMPHASISE.
- Women produce eggs, so to market eggs is to market women. Shameless objectification.
- The semen-looking substance in the middle promotes the patriarchy.
- The feminine egg is LITERALLY filled with semen-like substance. What kind of message does that send to young children about the purpose of a woman?
- Making the semen-looking substance sweet is highly misleading.
- They only use eggs and semen and so are only representing two genders, reinforcing the gender binary.
Conclusion: Cream eggs are highly problematic.