The other day, I was experiencing the woolly mammoth of essay crises. Call me bourgeois, wet or unimaginative (largely because I am) but in order to soften my now-woolly nerves, I resorted to Richard Curtis’ ‘Four Weddings and a Funeral’ for respite.

Suddenly, mid-David-Cassidy-line, I had a moment of genius: contrary to popular belief, ‘Four Weddings’ is not a rom com, but in fact a sophisticated metaphor for 21st century essay crises!

I know. It’s a lot to take on. But in order to lessen the shock, I thought I might show you how…


1. Pre-drinks the night before. Knowledge of primary texts limited, criticism none, plan – in Narnia. Everything’s gonna be fine…

The beginning of the end…

2. In order to make yourself feel better, you lie to a passing friend that you finished a week ago. You go to bed.


“Yeah, I’ve done that…”

3. The next morning…

Last night’s clothes are definitely acceptable garm in this situation

4. Fuckety fuckety fuck

Yep, still acceptable

5. Fuckadoodledoo – you realise that you’ve misinterpreted your own essay title

Well, shit.

6. Done

You’re smiling but dying inside

7. Pre-tute despair

Just no.

8. Tute. You’re late, again

There is always that one tute partner who is always late

9. The bullshit begins

“Wow that’s really interesting… tell me more so I don’t have to speak”

10. Continues… (Tute partner)



11. Dries up.

“And…. yeah.. ummm”

12. Nice tutor reaction:

Well you were the clerical admissions error of your year then…

13. Nasty tutor reaction:

Kill. Me. Now.

14. Post fuck-up analysis with impossibly glamorous female accomplice

Cigarettes recommended, drinking compulsory.


So – what did I tell you? Your essay crisis can be explained all through the face of Hugh Grant…

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