Happy Valentine’s day, friends and haters. I sincerely wish you the best of days full of love and cheer, but I hope that you realise that Valentine’s day is a load of shit.
This goes for both single people and couples. Firstly, I feel obliged to call out all you terrible happy couples. Couples, you are being blindly led by ‘the man’, telling you that today is the day you need to express love and affection for your partner rather than any other day. Is that love? Um, no.
Presents and dates are surely the most romantic when they are spontaneous. Seeing something and thinking that your partner would love it is sweet. Being forced to manically run around card shops on the 13th, with stress and fear in tow, is not the same. This is a reflection of our dirty and soulless consumerist society that will surely fall when our lord and saviour Jeremy Corbyn comes to power.
Do any of you even know what Valentines day is about? Have you heard of St Valentine? Our team at VERSA have been on a research mission (Wikipedia) and have discovered that this is a Christian festival that originated as a day to honour saints. I had never considered this and I wrote on my personal statement that I have an inquiring mind. So all you sheeple probably do not even have the foggiest idea what you are celebrating and instead are led by the whims of cultural and societal norms. This lack of thought and blind faith is what leads to horrors like the rise of UKIP, so stop being happy, please.
As a perpetually single person, I feel constantly oppressed by the couple-normative nature of this day. On the 13th February the sweating and panicking starts, knowing that what comes before me is 24 hours of having to smile stoically as I see people parade their revolting happiness in front of me. 24 hours of smiling through the tears and pretending to be an #independentwoman, detached and aloof about the gushy and romantic images that are shoved in my face. 24 hours of dodging through pairs on the street, holding hands like mutually dependent parasites. Do they not realise that walking in single file is a far more efficient way of reaching one’s destination?
I suppose it could be worse. I could do what some
aresholes people do and go on ‘friend dates’ on Valentine’s day. Instead of embracing the pain and loneliness that eclipses their lives, these people grab a friend and go out to dinner or the cinema, manically posting on Snapchat and Instagram in a poorly veiled effort to disguise the suffering in their undernourished hearts. This is no way to live.
So instead, I will spend the day doing what I do every year. I will ring my mother to thank her for being the only person to send me a card this year. I will ignore all my friends who are in relationships. I’ll ponder my innate unlovability and watch rom-coms in the dark, pretending to be doing so ironically but secretly wishing my life was as happy as Sally’s was after meeting Harry.
I could go on. Flowers and chocolates are cliche presents that can incite hay fever and obesity respectively. I can’t go out for dinner on the 14th as restaurants are booked up by couples, which encourages either the dire prospects of cooking or undernourishment.