Maybe it’s growing up in London, maybe it’s growing up with a mother with legs approximately three times the length of mine, maybe it’s forever being in a rush thanks to my unbounded talent for procrastination, but I have a *thing* about walking quickly.

This is apparently not a thing common to many people in Oxford. Just now as I was walking to Tesco I nearly mowed down an old man, a woman and her toddler, and a dazed looking student. And that was all before I even got in there and had to deal with hordes of people so slow that they were almost going backwards.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not an awful person who sends people flying in the street, I just don’t understand the general insistence on moving at a snail’s pace. Do people not realise that if you just move faster you’ll reach your destination sooner? (Groundbreaking stuff, I know).

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Is that Satan I spy?

If Tesco on a Wednesday afternoon isn’t enough to send me into a Bacchic rage, tearing people limb from limb, then Cornmarket on the weekends certainly is. Lost and curious tourists, relaxed window shoppers, and hungover, dazed and confused students combine to create a realistic vision of Hell on earth. Trying to move anywhere at a reasonable pace is a feat of Herculean proportions and sends my heart rate soaring, palms twitching and itching to forcibly remove anyone in my way. (I said I don’t send people flying, not that I’m not tempted to).

I refuse to believe that I’m alone in feeling the stress of dealing with the preponderance of slow walkers. We might be a minority, but we exist, and we need our voices heard. So for the sake of the reasonable among us, we need to open up discussion on how best to deal with this menace blockading our streets, stealing our time and raising our heart rates.

Forget the monorail, maybe the next OUSU Pres hopeful should run on a promise of a designated fast lane for those of us who have places to be and things to do. Even if that place is my bed and that thing is watching Pretty Little Liars and pretending finals aren’t a thing, Pret posh cheese and pickle baguette in hand. A little efficiency never killed anybody now did it? Walking slowly in front of me however…

And so, good people of Oxford, I implore you to please hurry the fuck up – my sanity (and your safety) might just depend on it. 

This article has 7 comments

  1. Why does this article exist?

  2. Tfw Versa has become just another boring student paper

  3. i comment on every versa article :))

  4. pete, honestly stop its so embarrassing

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