Do you find yourself lost in the President’s forget-me-not eyes?

The Oxford Union has found itself embroiled in yet another controversy, with many claiming that Stuart Webber is simply too attractive to be President. Studies show that as much as sixty per cent of audiences have been distracted by Stuart’s striking good looks, which presents a serious problem for the world’s most famous debating society.

A number of respected speakers have been caught blushing and stuttering mid-speech, though fortunately, most audiences have been too distracted by Stuart’s handsomeness to notice. The situation worsened when many usually confident debaters started forgetting their cues as they gazed tenderly, yet regretfully, at the unattainable President.

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How could you not love that face…

We spoke to one third-year student, who wishes to remain anonymous, and found that she had serious difficulties concentrating on the debates. “I’m trying to focus, I really am – it’s just hard to consider Nick Clegg’s line on the EU when Stuart’s jawline is so much more engaging.”

Another student had this to say: “during the debates, I often find myself fantasising about Stuart. Sometimes we’re flying together on a magic carpet, high above Oxford, his hair gently tousled by the night air. Other times he gallops up to me on a deserted beach atop a peerless, white stallion, and asks for my hand. It can be anything, really.”

For an institution as prestigious as the Oxford Union, Stuart’s Hugh Grant-style of British charisma presents a serious dilemma. Founded in 1823 by the markedly less handsome former Prime Minister W. E. Gladstone, the Union has an important reputation to preserve. We can only hope that the issue is resolved in time for its 200th anniversary, which could potentially be disrupted by Stuart’s immense beauty.

The Oxford Union has yet to release a public statement with regards to the issue as investigations are still underway. Part of the problem lies in locating just which characteristic of the President is proving disruptive. Some commentators have speculated that his voice and manner, effortlessly suave and charming, are largely responsible for sweeping the audience off its feet, whereas others posit his confident, yet also humble walk to the stage. The white tie worn by the President may also have exacerbated the situation.

Do you dream of him ever, as you know he dreams of you? Have you pictured yourself embracing Stuart, in a moment of transcendent emotion that is both physical and pure? Can you see the glorious trajectory of your life with Stuart playing out before your eyes, from the first kiss to the last, as you grow old and eventually die, hand-in-hand, in the same hospital bed?

If you have ever found yourself beguiled by Stuart’s many charms, please let us know in the comments below.

This article has 20 comments

  1. I have literally never read a more pathetic article.

  2. this is fucking tragic

  3. a disappointed reader

    When did VERSA become such utter dross?

  4. This is old news. Been there, done that.

  5. The editorial team should re-read this article and then rethink their lives.

  6. I’m sorry, but this is a shit excuse for an article. If you can’t do better than this, seriously just pack up and go home. Both the volume and quality of VERSA’s output this term has been a joke.

  7. I wouldn’t even touch this article with my white gloves… I’ll linger in the kitchen in hope of catching the authors, so they can be replaced with the original editorial team at Versa

  8. I would colonise his bloodline

  9. Nah he’s got nothing on B-Sully

  10. Disgruntled and disappointed

    The editors should be utterly ashamed that this frivolous, lukewarm tripe is the best they can dish up. VERSA was, until recently, the premier news source in Oxford University: it reported widely, promptly and in detail, breaking major stories both within Oxford and into the Nationals. It was fearless, quality journalism: this sycophantic puff piece would have ashamed the editors back then.

    The current editors ought to think carefully: bearing responsibility for turning a successful, widely-read and well-researched student newspaper into a repository of lightweight frippery will likely not stand them in good stead for any future career prospects.

  11. this is literally utter drivel

    what a pathetic excuse for journalism

    what has happened to VERSA?

  12. Disgruntled and Aroused

    fuck me lizard daddy

  13. oi leave bishan alone

  14. Hehe Stuarrrrtttttttttttt I’m ready for you now

  15. I thought VERSA was about real news not fake news.

  16. Hi Bish, (can I call you that)

    Really flattered you took the time to write this article…

    Coffee and a chat some time?

    Yours,

    Stew

  17. Pingback: It’ll be the OxStu wot winz it

  18. Is this supposed to be satire ?

    I don’t get it, he doesn’t look that unattractive, he’s just a massive cunt? Is that what the article is getting at ?

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