Let me set the scene for you. We had arrived at Bridge ridiculously early, out of paranoia that we may not get in, and the venue was pretty far from “hopping”.

So after a quick trip to the loo, my friends and I decided to head into Anuba until things livened up a bit. One problem, they all went to the mens’ toilets, and I to the ladies’ toilets. When I came out, they had gone into Anuba already, so I joined the queue.

There was a bouncer supervising the queue. You may have seen him, you may have not, but he is the exact epitome of a kid, who was once bullied, but has now been given a teensy bit of power, which he uses to bully his fellow human beings. A girl not in the queue was trying to talk to her friend, who was in the queue. Not on this fellow’s watch! “GET TO THE BACK OF THE LINE” “but, Mr Bouncer pls I am just trying to have a conv-” “GET TO THE BACK OF THE LINE, I’M WARNING YOU.”

Eventually, he said, “Nobody is coming in until they close the front doors at 1am.” I check my watch. It is 11pm. So I message my friends inside the bar and say, “I can’t get in until 1am.” One of them tries to come out to talk to me, but he is told by the bouncer that he will have to go to the back of the line and will not be allowed back in if he does so. Basically, this guy clearly has some kind of hard-on for ensuring that he follows the rules to such an unnecessary extent that other people are inconvenienced.

Then comes my fatal error, my tragic undoing. His back was turned and I decided to take my chances and slip past him. I could see the others inside, motioning for me to come over and almost in a daze, I skipped to them, thinking, “Today marks the dawn of a new beginning. I have spat in the face of The Man. This truly is rebellion in its purest, most beautiful form. Let the birds be free, let the children sing- oh shit, what the fuck is happening?!”

The bouncer had seen me. And now one of his hands was around my neck and the other my waist and my feet were no longer touching the floor. (Did I mention that I weigh less than 50 kilos?) I was so shocked that I couldn’t even scream and could only stare as he pinned me against the wall and screamed some rather insulting things in my face. After the longest 2-5 minutes of my life he shoved me back out into the smoking area, where I stood, unable to speak, trembling like a timid leaf. Of course, everyone who saw this incident immediately ran to my aid and by that point Bridge was hoppin’, but for some reason, I just couldn’t bring myself to enjoy it. I can’t imagine why.

Don’t get me wrong, I know I shouldn’t have gone in, but my issue is that he physically attacked me, instead of doing the professional, correct thing of simply telling me to get out.

I have a feeling that this particular bouncer has been guilty of terrorising others with unnecessary force and getting away with it for a while, and it is my personal belief that his reign of tyranny should end, because bouncers are meant to regulate situations to ensure that nothing bad happens. Not behave like deranged Trunchbull-esque maniacs.

I have called the police and they looked at the CCTV footage from Anuba to see if he did indeed overreact. It seems the incident wasn’t captured on the cameras this time. So, if you have ever been treated in a way that seems ridiculously harsh by a bouncer at Anuba, it is most likely the same one, and I would urge you to call the lovely folks at Thames Valley, because the more complaints against him, the better.

So all in all, I was choke-slammed into a wall for an offence that could have been sorted out in far more peaceful way. And I ain’t happy about it.

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This article has 4 comments

  1. No need to cry about the whole thing. HIs job must be made incredibly stressful by people like you thinking that they can jump queues. Hardly surprised he kicked off

    • Alex – your comment is stupid beyond belief.
      You’d make a great bouncer…
      (On second thoughts, your IQ is probably too low.)

  2. I’m with Alex. You play the game and you take the consequences. Bouncers are there to enforce the rules because Anuba and Bridge have different licenses.

    Stop trying to hold the bouncer to such a high standard just because it’s the first time you’ve experienced life outside your little protected bubble…

    Oh and by the way I bet his reaction wasn’t nearly as violent as you make out. Drunk people don’t have the best powers of recollection

  3. He’s the sober watchman. You’re the potentially drunk, drugged-up party animal who could turn wild at any second. Break the rules? He has every right to break your spirit the physical way, regardless of how well you think he’s been doing his job so far. You don’t know what his night’s been like.

    It’s like a robber not lowering his weapon when told and then complaining about getting shot.

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