On a night out, there is only ever one thing on everyone’s mind, so VERSA thought we’d investigate where is easiest for you to do so…

The following experiment was carried out to the highest degree of standardisation that could be met, although the researcher will admit that it is not without its limitations.

Precautions

  • The same subject was used in each club to ensure that differences in outward appearances or in personality were not a factor.
  • The subject dressed in a similar way each night, a crop top and jeans, to ensure that the experiment’s results would not be skewed by differences in the provocativeness of her attire.
  • The subject attempted to arrive at each club at 11:30 pm to ensure that every night was at a standardised party level.
  • The subject did not allow her personal taste standards to drop: no pulling just any interested party. Keep it only to persons the subject would consider on non-experimental nights.
clubbing

Standard night out in Oxford

Limitations and risk assessment

Risk: too much alcohol. Comment: risk disregarded by subject.

Risk: sexual health. Comment: “pulling” does not have to be defined as “having sex with”: going home with every pull is not mandatory, but protection must be insisted upon if needed. Subject is always within her rights to leave.

Risk: forming romantic, fleeting attachments which must then be broken. Comment: don’t be silly.

Limitation: not all clubs in Oxford were investigated. Purple Turtle, Cellar, Bridge, Park End and Plush were chosen. The subject was aggressively reluctant to “waste money in Lola Lo’s” and time constraints were a factor preventing experimentation in all Oxford clubs. Further investigation is invited.

Limitation: Stopping the timer mid-pull was difficult so the actual time may be +/- a few minutes.

 

Methodology

A very simple experiment with a very simple aim:

  1. Subject queues for the club.
  2. Subject starts a timer on her phone upon entering the club.
  3. Subject pulls and stops the timer.

 

Results

  1. Cellar: 2 hours 11 mins.
    • Subject notes: I struggled initially because the snapback density made it difficult to get close enough to anyone’s face. However, I eventually managed to find someone with his hat on backwards and it was all anchors away.
  2. Bridge: 1 hour 5 mins.
    • Subject notes: I was surprised by this one. I thought the sheer number of Oxford students would make this the easiest night to pull on. Maybe I was too absorbed by the atmosphere to fully embrace the task at hand.
  3. Plush: 1 hour 3 mins.
    • Subject notes: Cheap. Slammers. Dignity plus inhibitions disappeared down the toilet bowl along with the contents of my stomach.
  4. Park End: 57 mins.
    • Subject notes: I kinda want a very long, very hot, very soapy shower.
  5. Purple Turtle: 38 mins.
    • Subject notes: All I had to do was smile at him. Highly enjoyable night. 

 

Conclusions

We can conclude that the easiest club to pull in (from the ones studied) is Purple Turtle. Underrated, grimy Purple Turtle. With their free entry on most nights, INCREDIBLY cheap drinks (try asking for Big Balls at the bar £5= 5 shots of various spirits plus a can of Red Bull), mixed clientèle of Brookes and Oxford, and adorably nostalgic music, it is no wonder that this place can now be named VERSA’s Official Pulling Haven.

Cellar, on the other hand? Maybe the sweaty heat is a turn off?

If this experiment was to be repeated, an amendment to the methodology could also include the assessment factors of quality and quantity, not speed alone. Bars could be investigated too.

There you have it. Apparently The PT is the easiest place to pull in Oxford. We hope your life is now suitably enriched. The things we do for you, hey?

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This article has 12 comments

  1. I hear the easiest place to pull is in St Hughs college kitchens.

  2. Have you ever tried pulling under communism?

  3. OWWWWKAAAAAA

  4. I AM A BNOC EVERYONE. NOTICE ME PLEASE.

  5. Finn "90 seconds" Lees

    Doesn’t matter where I pull, I’ll still only last 90 seconds. :'(

  6. Can I just make the important point that THE TORIES ARE PULLING THE WOOL OVER PEOPLE’S EYES ABOUT THE CUTS THEY ARE MAKING.

    THE TORIES THE TORIES.

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