After losing my virginity to a Romanian prostitute, I wondered how spunking into a condom really ‘made me a man.’

At the back end of high school, I was somewhat left behind by the mini-sexual revolution everyone seemed to have in their mid-teens. I don’t know what it was about me, maybe too much time spent in the library, the wrong taste in shirts, or maybe I was just too darn boring but it never happened for me in the hedonistic final days of my school career.

Then Freshers’ Week happened. I thought – huzzah! This would be a golden opportunity to make up for lost shags at house parties and cheeky blow jobs behind bike sheds. To my dismay, it was exactly the same as school. Frantic coupling by everyone, left, right, and centre; wild fornication as a heavy shower of condoms, lube and dental dams fell from the welfare reps. While everyone else was shaking hips I was just shaking hands with everyone and then going back to my own lack of success. You may enjoy the open culture of “sex-positivism” in universities, but it’s rubbish for someone who doesn’t get a slice of the big (cream) pie. (Editor’s note: please excuse that awful pun.)

After years of inactivity and developing a great relationship with my laptop and my browser’s private mode, I came across one of the many websites advertising prostitutes. This was a whole new layer of society which was unknown to me previously. You can put in your location and preferences and then it shows you a whole list of all the willing ladies in your area, all posting explicit pictures and promising “the best anal” or “amazing oral”. To someone like myself who hadn’t a great run of success with women, the “Girlfriend Experience” or “GFE” sounded appealing. All the tenderness and intimacy and fucking of a relationship in 30 minutes. You can even pick the outfit she wears (secretary, schoolgirl etc.). Tailor-made for lonely wonks like me… 

“After a few minutes (if I flatter myself) I spunked in the condom and that was the end of that.”

Initially I had no intention of acting on this information. I just browsed the adverts like someone deciding on a purchase in a shop, occasionally making contact if I got drunk but never going through with it. I always talked myself out of it and then felt relief the morning after that I hadn’t done it. Then one night I was walking home from a night out, drunk, alone (as usual) and went through my phone contacts, texting a selection of those whose numbers I had. One prostitute, whose work name was “Elena Slut” (her choice of words, not mine) was only a 5 minute walk away. I called her and, after being confused by her Romanian accent (most of them are Romanian/Hungarian/Polish and the English ones are a lot more expensive) made my way to her house.

We went inside and talked prices. As I recall it was £40 for 15 minutes. Stuff like anal is normally £15/20 extra but I wasn’t feeling that adventurous. She offered to go and get another girl but my racing mind thought that a threesome would be a bit far for the first time. She wasn’t aware of that fact and I didn’t want to make it any more awkward. I forked over enough cash for 15 minutes and she seemed quite disappointed. When I went to kiss  and touch the first woman who’d ever stood naked before me I was told I hadn’t paid enough. That would have been an extra £20 and it was near the end of term…

I undressed and put on a condom, hoping to God that I wouldn’t have an attack of nerves and be unable to ‘perform’. In the end it was all very perfunctory, halfway through she asked me “are you done yet?” and after a few minutes (if I flatter myself) I spunked in the condom and that was the end of that. We put our clothes back on and I slunk back home.

I often regret having done ‘it’ now, but I had just turned 20 and had promised myself that I’d at least have sex before I was that age. It was like a really shit version of American Pie, where there were no MILFs, no funny dances, only one (moderately) happy ending, but all the desperation.

I often think it’s odd that we attach so much importance to virginity but it’s still seen as a rite of passage, though I wonder how much coming into a latex bag changes you. I was a bit drunk and preoccupied to critique a social construct at that point.

Sometimes I wonder if it worth the forty quid to fumble for 15 minutes with a prostitute because society says losing your virginity is a rite of passage…

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This article has 24 comments

  1. Finn "90 seconds" Lees

    A few minutes!? wow.

    • I have had PIV sex 3 times.

      The first time I lasted 3-4 minutes, the second time I lasted around 10 minutes, and the third time I lasted around 15 minutes. The second and third times I could’ve gone on for longer, but came on purpose in order that my coming could roughly coincide with that of my partner.

      There is no occasion on which I have orgasmed after only 90 seconds of coitus.

  2. I deem prostitution inaccessible

  3. You wouldn’t find this kind of degeneracy in BASED ULSTER

  4. Little did you know, but that prostitute was also in the pay of the Zionists

  5. I have never the felt the touch of a woman. Perhaps I too could pay to have someone ‘help me out’.

  6. Olivia Merrett tamed my snake.

  7. I find this intensely triggering.

  8. I found a way to avoid paying.

  9. If you ever find yourself in need of a prostitute but short on cash, why not try Wonga.com?

  10. Sounds like you colonized her bloodline.

  11. Madalena 'I hate fun' Leao

    This sounds dangerously enjoyable to me

  12. I saved subfusc

  13. *Serious Post, sorry* The deadline for registering to vote is TOMORROW and the govt is conducting boundary reviews on the basis of who is on the electoral roll. The current figures for students (everyone was taken off the roll this summer) registered is 1%. 1%. 99% of students are currently unregistered. 60% of young people voted at the last election. If we want MPs that respond to young people, or constituencies that better reflect the population of an area, please take 5 mins to register yourself and tell your friends.

    https://www.gov.uk/register-to-vote

  14. Fuck white gays, fuck white gays, fuck white gays

  15. I don’t have any opinion on this, but whatever the Tories do with prostitutes, I’m against it.

  16. Did I mention that I enjoy BDSM? And don’t you dare judge me for that, you vanilla-privileged shitlords.

  17. Legalise everything so I can smoke weed and annoy Peter Hitchens

  18. 40£ for a Romanian prostitute? You were robbed. Try to find her and ask at least 25£ back. For 15£ a Romanian prostitute can be visited in 3 places.

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