First, VERSA told you how to crewdate. Now, let’s see the fruits of your labour…

Its nine oclock and your crew date is well under way. About twenty £2.80 bottles of white are decorating the table and flowing freely into the glasses of your fellow sportsteam. Youre all just about steaming enough to start breaking out the sconces, with a complete disregard to the personal privacy of your friends

Hallowed ground

Hallowed ground

10) I sconce anyone whos still a virgin

Lets begin the night with the classic victimisation of that friend lacking in sexual experience. It never gets old to belittle their other achievements because they havent been laid. Sex blatantly equals maturity so why dont we get a whole table of strangers to patronise them for the remainder of the night.

9) I sconce anyone whos gotten with more than twenty people in Friday night Wahoo

Hilarious until you start to wonder if this says more about the person who gets up to drink or the level of desperation that descends over Wahoo every Friday…

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What sights this place has seen…

8) I sconce anyone who does History because its not a real subject

After about three quarters of their bottle has been downed, without fail a self-righteous scientist will spur up the courage to condescend any humanities subject. Theyll never understand the pain of 9ams and are therefore inferior. But it’s okay. At VERSA we understand that scientists don’t really get out much, and three quarters of a bottle of wine can sometimes be a bit much for them.

7) I sconce anyone whos pulled a fat bird

Timeless crowd pleaser amongst the Oxford crew-daters. Mix complete shallow superficial judgement with a bit of #chat and some Arzoos onion bhajis to really get the table roaring with laughter. Banter.

6) I sconce anyone who shat on the street outside Bridge in an attempt to sober up

What. A. #LAD. What is more hilair than being denied entry to Bridge Thursdays twice before taking a tactical poo round the side of Las Iguanas? Being denied entry a third time. #FOMO

5) I sconce anyone who’s vommed in [insert Oxford college]s quad

Its hitting 9:45 and none of the diners are looking particularly wrecked. Fret not; its a surefire hit to get all the crew-daters downing their wine because we have literally all done it. Lol I know it was well funny when your mate chundered on the lawn of New College that one time last Trinity but seriously, its time to let this sconce die.

4) I sconce anyone who accidentally sent a picture of themselves hogtied to the mother of someone else in their choir

Is the question here why they were hogtied? Or why they had the digits of their choir friends mum? Or who was the sadist taking the picture?

3) I sconce anyone who dislocated their arm while reaching for a condom

Five minutes into Netflix and chill and he pops his shoulder out of its socket (not an innuendo). Mood killer? Nah, apparently this insatiable #legend kept at it.

2) I sconce anyone who had a threesome with his twin brother

Fulfilling every narcissists dream, its certainly a big step up from making out with your mirror. And besides, what is more jokes than sexual liberation and incest? Even so, this ones a bit of a hit-or-miss with a tendency to silence and alienate most of your fellow crew-daters. Not one to be told until a sufficient amount of penny-ing and shoe-ing has ensued.

1) ‘I sconce anyone who took the President of Poland to court – and won

This guy has no chill. A decidedly Oxfordsconce in character, what crew date would be complete without a trip down memory lane about that one time you sued a government official for the giggles?

Have a great crewdate

Have a great crewdate

Bar the rogue incest sconces, it seems weve all had pretty similar messy Park End experiences. So please dont finish off the sconce with you had to have been there, because, I promise you, weve all definitely been there.

This article has 1 comment

  1. A random rower (lad)

    No Offence, but these are fairly wet. Rowing crewdates will usually put these to shame in minutes.

    As one example, “I sconce anyone who fingered their dog for practice” was uttered and responsibility duly claimed last Trinity at an anonymous crewdate. Set the tone well.

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