38: the number of slots on a roulette wheel, the number of degrees needed to make a petition website, and, until recently, the number of colleges which make up the University of Oxford.
Oxford is set to welcome its 39th college. The college that was formerly known as simply ‘Wadham’ has split, with a break-off group of students creating the Democratic People’s Republic of North Wadham. VERSA understands that the split occurred due to ideological imperfections in what is now known as South Wadham.
It is believed that the split occurred in a SU meeting, triggered by a dispute over which group of students opposed Israel more. Palestinian flags were waved, badges were worn, and receipts conspicuously lacking in BDS-listed products were thrust in faces. Events came to a head, however, when one SU member was revealed to have bought a bottle of Coke Zero on the 17th of January, 2014. Fighting subsequently broke out between hardline NUS loyalists who would “rather vote Tory than buy such a foul Zionist drink”, and those preaching some modicum of understanding and forgiveness.
Much to the delight of the anarchists in the corner, the room descended into chaos. A truce was soon called for each side to check that their Soviet flags were sufficiently red, and to attempt a resolution of the conflict by “the usual methods” – calculating which side was more oppressed.
During the truce, authorities stepped in and placed a large ‘minefield’ in between the opposing forces to keep them apart. Upon closer inspection, this ‘minefield’ actually turned out to be copies of Brendan O’Neil’s new book, A Duty To Offend, placed strategically between the two factions. Thus, a fragile peace was estabished. A small group of Wadhamites who do not believe Israel to be the new Satan, but were caught on the wrong side of the border, have obtained sanctuary from the kind citizens of South Wadham, as the purges begin in the North. However, both colleges are understood to be angry with the “imperialistic” new borders that have been imposed upon them.
The Democratic People’s Republic of North Wadham has already begun to assert its identity by hoisting a large flag emblazoned with a picture of Pol Pot’s face. South Wadham had previously been flying the Soviet Flag, and the North, not to be outdone, reportedly commissioned this new design. Since the violence, the first elections have been held in the DPRNW, in which Barnaby Raine was elected as the People’s Champion with a full 127% of the vote. Allegations of totalitarianism and torture have already emerged. One man, Simon “Si” Honest, claims he was forced to repeatedly check his privilege after accidentally playing Blurred Lines in his bedroom. Honest claimed that his iPod was on shuffle and that it “was not his fault”. But Big Sister is always watching you.
Whilst the financial situation of the DPRNW remains unclear, it has been suggested that they are being propped up by the Chinese government. Jeremy Corbyn is believed to have begun dialogue with them, on the condition that they recognise Hamas and Hezbollah as their friends. VERSA sources indicate that cogs are already in motion for statements to this effect to be declared.