VERSA’s most eligible bachelors got thousands of you ‘excited’, so we thought we’d update the list with the hottest names for the new academic year, because, after all, what’s a new year without a new beau?

 

#10. David Barker

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Do you want to to see more?

Current Editor-in-Chief of the VERSA Finishing School The Oxford Student, David is perfect for anyone who wants to say they dated a BNOC but doesn’t want the drama that comes with Oxford fame. I mean, who actually reads the OxStu? We certainly don’t.  However, VERSA worries that Barker would be all work and no play, obsessing over his beloved paper and constantly chatting about the layout of the Fashion section or the standings in the JCR football leagues. Soz bae, print journalism is dead, but we hope that your inclusion on this list can at least resurrect your love life.

#9. Alasdair Lennon

Almost as steamy as our #1. Nearly there Ali

Almost as steamy as our #1. Nearly there Ali

Vice-President for Welfare at VERSA’s favourite institution, Ali’s job means he knows all about looking after people. We’ve heard that he’s actually pretty fun (for an OUSU Sabb), something we weren’t sure was actually possible. If he’s anything like a college welfare officer, he’ll have his pick of the sexual health products to make that night even more special. Want someone to really take care of you? OUSU’s Mr. Welfare might be your man.

#8. Jan Nedvídek

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Look at the passion in Jan’s face

Golden boy of the Oxford Right, OUCA Pres Jan is one of the biggest names on campus. Famous for his collection of red trousers and for rarely being sighted in a t-shirt, this LGBTory has a particular style that he pulls off oh-so-well. VERSA’s favourite eastern European’s stock rose even higher with an eye-catching speech at the Union last week. Move quickly if you want to Czech him out.

 

#7. Dom Applewhite

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You’ve probably not heard of Dom, but he’s a Big Deal™ in the Oxford theatre scene. You might recognise him from his role in the Inbetweeners, and his other film credits also include Les Mis and the King’s Speech. And he’s a musician to boot. If you’re looking for a rising star in your new beau, this New College actor is a good pick. In his time at Oxford he’s starred in Romeo & Juliet and West Side Story…screen, stage, and music, more do you want?

#6. Stuart Webber 


The sole survivor from last year’s list. Oh, how quickly the Oxford BNOC mill turns, how cruel the winds of time. VERSA imagines that next year Webber will have gone the way of the rest. President-Elect of the Oxford Union, dating ‘Snakey’ (the origins of this nickname we will leave to your imaginations) into next term would make his lucky consort First Lady of the Oxford Union, which comes with all sorts of perks. With over 1000 ‘close and personal friends’, though, Stu might not have much time to keep his consort happy which is why the next Union Pres stays at #6.

#5. Joel Hide

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We all love a bit of monochrome

New President of Oxford’s LGBTQSoc and according to the OxStu’s BNOC list, a self-confessed member of the glitterati. Joel is often found on the dance floor in Plush, but away from the bar he even had the charm to persuade strangers to get him to Brussels for free in last year’s RAG Jailbreak. One VERSA staffer only got to Portsmouth, so we’re pretty impressed with that effort. As Pres of LGBTQSoc, Joel might even be able to get you Q-jump for the society’s new night, Skittles, which we’ve heard very good things about; that alone would make Joel a catch, the rest just adds extra shine.

#4. Morgan Gerlak

He likes teddies too..

He likes teddies too..

Morgan has some big – uhh – shoes to fill taking over the coveted role of residential sporting heartthrob OUBC President from Stan Louloudis. And you know what they say about men with big shoes. This Blue is guaranteed to row your boat, although any lady that wants a piece of this hunk of rower will have to put up with early morning starts and constant Rowing Chat™. However, any consort of a Blue gets the eternal bragging rights and respect from VERSA for bagging such a catch.

#3. Deon Fang

Seen here leaping out of a Christmas present at 2:46, Out Of the Blue’s new President would be a treat for anyone. With international trips to spare with OOTB, Deon would be perfect for anyone looking for a well-travelled date. If his predecessor is anything to go by, expect recognition from A-List stars to come pretty soon. Raising thousands for charity and that unexpectedly deep voice mean Deon is definitely one to take home for Christmas.

#2. Chris Williams

RAG President, Oxford TedX President, half of the club-night duo El Dorado, Chris has fingers in more pies than we can count. We also hear he spent his gap year surfing, so expect surfboard skills both at the beach and in the bedroom. Your best chance at catching our #2 bachelor for a chat and whatever follows is probably at his Back to the Future party on Wednesday night. Not so sure about the white hair though Chris.

 

#1. Ssuuna Golooba-Mutebi

Dat steam

 

Officially “Oxford’s Steamiest Man”, according to the Tab (one occasion they actually got something right), there’s something about the way Sssssssuuna photographs none of our other bachelors can quite match. He knows how to party too, and Ssuuna is known for his impressive bop costumes as one of John’s Entz Officers. Fancy something classier than a bop? Ssuuna has you covered: he’s Union Secretary, so expect plenty of black-tie dinners too!

Unfortunately VERSA can’t give you the phone numbers for any of our bachelors, but we wish you luck if you fancy yourself as the new partner of any of these eligible chaps…

This article has 48 comments

  1. There’s more than one reason they call me Snakey 😉 😉 😉 😉 😉 😉 😉 😉 😉

  2. this is bullshit.

  3. David Barker is a tool and not even hot.

  4. Dom Applewhite isn’t hot either.

  5. Stuart Webber is basically evil, and only like 6.5/10

  6. Deon Fang is quite hot but not the hottest person in OOTB. Should not have been as high as 3rd.

  7. Chris Williams isn’t hot either.

  8. I’d colonise these bloodlines.

  9. Ssuuna is quite hot but not hot enough to be first.

  10. It should be:

    10) Jan Nevidek
    9) Deon Fang
    8) Morgan Gerlack
    7) Thomas Munro
    6) Joel Hide
    5) Ssuuna Golooba-Mutebi
    4) Jack Remington
    3) Adrian Matthew
    2) Alasdair Lennon
    1) Finn Lees

  11. But who was Duncan Wilson?

  12. David Barker’s just slightly podgy. Next!

  13. Why is Doody not first?

  14. How did you manage to miss off the one, the only, EDDIE FUTUO ROLLS

  15. Send me letter at

    Unrealistic medieval castle,
    Disneyland

    Save me from my abusive step family that child protective services should have been called on years ago. I even see rats talking now. Bring me my Prince Charming.

  16. Fuck off Cinderella

  17. Ssssstuart darling, be mine forever

  18. Shrek is love, shrek is life

  19. Why is David Barker on the list? Scruffy-looking nerf herder.

  20. David Browne is a traitor

  21. If I am not featured at #1 in the bachelorettes list then Versa is transphobic

  22. Contrary to popular opinion that I am dating Sharmani and Lisa and Polina and Sian and Olivia and Miss World I am single. You may now amend your list versa.

  23. Shocked no offence reader

    Free speech has its limits Finn?

  24. ???

  25. None of these are as hot as loans from WONGA.COM

  26. Eddie Rolls.

  27. I’ve lost all my business in the last week. No one wants to eat chips and ketchup anymore…

  28. Basically this list is good.

    If I didn’t I have a long term girlfriend , which I do, (because I’m a full time legend) I would probably be around 7 in this list..maybe higher.

    But, as it stands, I can have no complaints

  29. HURFURT COULD BE NUMBER 1 IF HE GOT A HAIRCUT!! (… and not the Gerard Way)

  30. Eddie Rolls should be top 5.

  31. No mention of Kiran Benipal? Typical Zionists, ban this sick filth right now

  32. What an entertaining and well-written article: congratulations to all the VERSA writing and editing staff.

  33. there once was a young man called Lees
    whose predilection to speak as he pleased
    did land him in trouble
    outside of the bubble
    re: his comments on the Middle East

  34. but where r the womenz

  35. Pingback: VERSA | Even OUSU's election was more fun than the Union this term

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