Is your college as classy as champers, as laddish as beer, or, god forbid, as forgotten as Hooch? VERSA offers you its honest, totally unbiased opinion.

If there’s one thing that is integral to The UNAY Experience™, it is alcohol. And be it a quick beer or eight down the pub, a nice classy glass of wine over formal, or a, ahem, refined and sophisticated glass of port of a Sunday evening over in St Giles church hall (come come now, don’t be embarrassed…), the range of alcohol available is just as broad and diverse as our beloved (or not, as the case may be) colleges. And so, dear reader, without further ado, let VERSA tell you what drink yours would be were it a fine alcoholic beverage.

Magdalen – Champagne

A reputation for excellence as well as a silent ‘g’ (ya posh twats), Magdalen and champagne are made for each other. Let’s raise a glass (Moët, of course) to the college’s recent Norrington success. You’re the real deal, and don’t you just fucking know it – none of that cheap prosecco shit. Speaking of which…

We can't imagine why, but we were very tempted to give this one to Wadham...

We can’t imagine why, but we were very tempted to give this one to Wadham…

Christ Church – Prosecco

Prosecco, long-referred to as “the poor man’s Champagne”, whilst still a fancy beverage, will never quite achieve its counterpart’s distinction. Likewise, Christ Church might be rich and grand, but, contrary to the college’s opinion, it just isn’t on Magdalen’s level. You think you’re all that, but really, you’re a cut below. Yeah, you’ve got a meadow, but you’re missing a deer park m8. It’s just a shame that, unlike the drink, there is no shortage of Christ Church students to be found around Oxford…

I mean, come on. What kind of povo would drink this?

I mean, come on. What kind of povo would drink this?

St. Hugh’s – Hooch

Hugh’s, a distant college, seldom visited or thought about, finds its alcoholic soul sister in Hooch, the forgotten bottled beverage that rarely leaves Wahoo’s fridges. Let’s take a moment to consider their respective plights: the arduous trek of a Hugh’s student back from Park End, the monotonous existence of Hooch wistfully watching the constant VK and Jäger Bomb traffic beyond the glass. The only difference is that, having read this, you now know where to find Hooch. Hugh’s, however…

Worcester – VK

The most applied to college, and the sweetest, tastiest, most calorific drink going. The people pleasers.

Merton – Sauvignon Blanc

Respected and dry. Fair to say they’re not the booziest of colleges; most students will probably enjoy just a glass of sauvignon at formal before heading back to the library. Sophisticated. After all, they’ve got that number one Norrington spot to think about reclaiming…

Nope, you don't even deserve a picture of your drink. Back to the RadCam with you!

Nope, you don’t even deserve a picture of your drink. Back to the Rad Cam with you!

Teddy Hall – BEEEEEER

As hard as it might try, Teddy Hall will forever struggle to lose its #rugbyLAD stereotype. It’s loud, it’s unsophisticated, and it will ensure you have a great time, whilst annoying the fuck out of everyone else around you. Chug, chug, chug, down it FRESHAAAA, etc…

St John’s – An incredibly expensive single malt whisky

Old, worth a lot of money, and an acquired taste, John’s and whisky have a lot in common. Unfortunately for the former, this may be a taste which many are, ahem, yet to acquire…

Incidentally, VERSA has discovered that a suspicious number of John’s alumni have a notable affiliation with the drink: Kingsley Amis chose Scotch as his desert island drink, Winston Churchill drank whisky and sodas every morning and afternoon, and David Frost is no less than the CEO of the Scotch Whisky Association, to name but a few.

John’s declined to comment on speculation that it plans to open a distillery in one of its many St Giles properties…

Please, tell me more about Bukowski...

Please, tell me more about Bukowski…

Pembroke – Pimm’s

Because the college’s annual Pimm’s party is just about all it has going for it at the moment following its Norrington nosedive. Okay, and they’re both pretty. And fun. And both will eventually end up getting you drunk… So lots of things, really.

Oriel – Port

With its notorious ‘rah’-putation, many Toriel students will no doubt spend their Sunday nights in the St Giles church hall at OUCA’s Port and Policy.

The club-going sector of Oriel should perhaps be more fairly ascribed a ‘Cheeky Vimto’, the misleadingly named mix of 2 shots of ruby port and a bottle of blue WKD. Just no one tell Nando’s that someone’s trying to take their trademark…

No comment.

St Catz – Tesco Value vodka

I mean, come on. Just look at it. That brutalist, modern architecture. Looking at it every day will surely leave your eyes burning, just as the vodka will do to your throat (VERSA does not recommend shotting Tesco Value vodka through your eye and takes no responsibility for any injuries occurred from it as a result of reading this article. Save the eye shots for a classier brand of vodka.) As a drink, it’s far from a time-honoured classic, and both college and liquid leave you with a nasty taste in the mouth.

Keble – Lambrini

With its nouveau looks, Keble certainly captures the essence of Lambrini: it’s sparkling, comes in a nice looking bottle, and even its colours manage to capture the red and white hues of its collegiate equivalent. All of this come together to give both drink and college echoes of far more grandiose siblings. Both, however, are essentially piss, and everyone knows it.

Benet’s – The dirty pint

Time to be honest with yourself: you didn’t want to be here. You only ended up here because there was no other choice. Neither is particularly nice to look at, both are made up of little else than dregs, and just as you would struggle to really classify a dirty pint as a ‘drink’ (and especially not after it’s been around the table at Arzoo’s), Benet’s  struggles to properly call itself a college.

Does this really look like a college to you?

Does this really look like a college to you?

Wadham – A joint

Alcohol perpetuates the patriarchy. We smoke weed instead. Fairtrade weed, of course…

Apologies to all the colleges that didn’t get a shout out. Now you know how Hooch feels. You know what to do next time you’re in Wahoo…


This article has 3 comments

  1. I’m sure John’s would like to claim them, but the Winston Churchill mentioned is not THE Winston Churchill and neither is that THE David Frost sadly…

  2. Missed wartime PM Churchill by three centuries! TRAITORS TO HISTORY!

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