Looks like Cambridge do participate in some extracurricular activities after all…

VERSA can reveal that our lesser cousins at Cambridge were keener on canoodling in the quad than us here at Oxford. Academics, recent graduates and current students of both universities were found amongst the data leaked from the cheating website, Ashley Madison. Perhaps at Ox, we don’t need the internet to get laid.

open page

VERSA made an account so you don’t have to…

Having been passed data by Oxtapp, an Oxford-news aggregator app, VERSA scoured the data for all the juicy bits. And boy, were there some interesting finds…

Fifteen verified accounts used ox.ac.uk emails to sign up to the website, whose tagline is “Life is short. Have an affair.” Meanwhile, cam.ac.uk email addresses were found to have created 25 accounts for a variety of members of staff and students. Perhaps this suggests that they’re not so averse to fun after all?

Members of the site from Oxford included one current academic, who was looking for some chemistry with another woman. Perhaps his wife’s reaction times didn’t fit his hypothesis.

another woman

We definitely think that all of Ashley Madison’s customer service operators look like this.

One visiting academic with an Oxford email was clearly looking for a partner in rude health, welcoming women with the line “let’s live healthy – 5 a day!” How kind.  Five a day of what was not specified. Clearly moral philosophy does not teach fidelity, as one academic in the subject was “looking to play with the fabric.” (Editor’s note: we don’t have a clue what this means either.)

Seriously, some of the chat up lines used by Oxonians on Ashley Madison made the chat in the smoking area of Bridge look positively smooth and charming. Some of  the site’s users were keener than the creeps at Bridge too. One guy even changed his age to look seven years younger when making his second account. #awks

affair guarentee ft image

Cue more awkward stock photos of couples.

It was not just dons that signed up, though. Maintenance men, stewards and office workers across the university were also looking for a little something on the side. One particular gentleman asked his prospective lovers if they could “make music together?” Perhaps he would offer to trim their bushes as well.

Students got in on the action too. The youngest Oxford member was a 19 year old “looking for some fun.” Indeed, ‘fun’ was a common aim for many horny users, with one of our teenager’s brothers-in-arms describing himself as a “fun-loving, sleepy student.”  

Clearly, being on a University sports team did not help one of the site’s many men very much in his quest for passion; using his Oxford email address, VERSA discovered that one user was in the university rugby squad during his time in the city of dreaming spires. Maybe he was not being such a good lad after all…

Does AM infedelity

Does this sound like good lad behaviour to you?

Cambridge students were equally cringe-worthy. One Earth Sciences student would “love to have a deeper understanding of you.” We think that’s supposed to be a pun. The worst offender, now working at a pharmaceutical giant, simply stated “F*CKY F*CKY”. Okay – we know science nerds have a reputation for being unable to talk to women, but really?! Poor chat m8.

Unfortunately for the gents, there was only one woman with an Oxford email address. One “dizzybrunette” and a “normajeane” were both registered to the site amongst others in Cambridge though – clearly the old-fashioned pull in a club is tougher with the Tabs’ famously poor nightlife. Women on the site tended to be students, so clearly the student-teachers fantasy is alive and well. Whilst the poor Tabs have to use the internet for that sort of thing, that happens at the balls in Oxford.

Academic life is clearly drier at Cambridge, with five current dons registered, including a Life Fellow, a law academic and a think tank researcher, all looking to spice things up through Ashley Madison. I mean, we all knew Cambridge was boring, but…

AM cartoon

 

Apparently academics do have fun after all. Perhaps their conquests on Ashley Madison are into the smell of musty books and undergrad fear. Whatever turns you on…

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