Because sometimes, the ‘City of Dreaming Spires’ is boring and shit

It’s 12th week. Term is long gone, and it’s getting to the stage where you’ve forgotten just how awful your exams went and are probably dreaming wistfully of croquet, punting, and Pimm’s on the quad. Worry not, though. VERSA is here to remind you all that, as idyllic as our picturesque little university town looks, it is in fact hell. So without any hesitation, let’s remind you that those happy times in Oxford are just a Stockholm Syndrome-induced illusion.


1. Tourists

My God, those bloody tourists. “Can I have a pho-” “NO”. “Excuse me. Excuse me. EXCUSE ME!” *pushes through a group of about 40 exchange students wearing identical matching hoodies with lanyards*.  There’s only one thing more annoying than tourists, and that’s the joke that gets posted on Overheard EVERY BLOODY WEEK about an American tourist asking where ‘the University’ is, occasionally with a witty joke about directing them to Brookes thrown in for added #bantz. Funny. Yep, we’re annoyed about people being annoyed with tourists. Meta, right? Fuck off.

outta my way

“Terribly sorry to push through”

 

2. The sinister rabbit on Cornmarket

I mean, seriously. Who and why? Why the hell would you do that to someone enjoying a merry jaunt down the city’s most relaxing street? It is categorically awful in every way and needs to be stopped. Someone. Please. It looks like the myxomatosis-riddled cousin of the Donnie Darko bunny. Just stop.

donnie darko bunny

Hope you weren’t planning on sleeping tonight

 

3. Tutes. Post-Bridge tutes*

“Hello, welcome to Oxford! For one or two hours every week, you will receive near-one-to-one tuition with some of the world’s leading minds in your field!”. Except you didn’t prepare for your tute this week. And your tute partner is bored of bailing you out after you did the same thing last week. And the week before. And the three weeks before that. (Sorry not sorry). Bonus points for turning up in last night’s clothes, make-up, and heels where applicable. Late.

You would feel guilty about that £9k/year, if you weren’t so busy focusing on not chundering over the world’s foremost expert on Proust in a room older than America.

tute chunder cartoon

The same applies to Sha- errrm, Park End

*May not apply if you study a fake degree, like Geography

4. Food

Because if you’re not reliving your secondary school years of lukewarm cafeteria ‘meals’, then someone is stealing your own food which you had planned to attempt to cobble together into something quasi-edible with the frankly inadequate kitchens in your college, in your pan that somebody else has failed to wash up.

1508110_10200470252994665_4976845503178252145_n

Some students took extreme action to protect the essentials

 

5. Tesco on Magdalen Street

It’s 6 o’clock (and by now you’re absolutely fucking starving because that’s when dinner is in hall) and someone has stolen the food from your fridge. It’s late so you’re hungry, someone stole your food so you’re angry, and you feel like you could eat a dwarf. There is no alternative but to venture out to Tesco on Magdalen Street, on which you are greeted by the open gates of Hell itself, people stretching out for mile upon mile into the depths of the shop. In addition to this, you have to make the hardest decision known to students: self service or checkout queue – which will be faster? Both require human interaction (because self-checkouts don’t work), so both will be horrible. Everything is horrible.

bagging area cartoon

Yep.


6. That one friend at Hugh’s

And they still deny that they “basically live in Manchester”. Ugh. “Want to come over to mine?”

And the same goes if you live at the bottom of Cowley. Get a bike. And a better room.


7. Libraries

“Girl, are you a library book? ‘Cos you got ‘fine’ written all over you”

“No, I just have to make a special trip to the SSL to pay them 6p otherwise they won’t let me graduate.”

Whether it’s the egregious fines, the couple sitting across from you who keep making out (get in the sea), the lonely arts dude who seems to have come to chirpse rather than study, or that fuck of a first-year who’s taken your usual seat whilst you’re trying to study for your finals, there are endless things to hate about the library experience. And no, the fact that a bit of Harry Potter might have been filmed there does not redeem it.

having fun library

Those were the days…

 

8. Wearing your gown to hall

Because come on, how on earth does one expect to eat a meal without wearing a gown? What an integral part of the dining experience. Made all the worse by the fact that you will inevitably forget your gown and either have to run back, be late for dinner, and risk your friends doing exactly what you would do to them and eat their starter, or be the only muppet in hall without a gown.

gown cartoon

Stop body policing

 

9. The walk of shame. In white tie

Also applicable: black tie, bop costumes. Never before has a walk of shame been quite so conspicuous as the middle of Cowley to St Giles. VERSA’s advice: forget the fact that you are walking through the middle of town at 8am (Editor’s note: 8am? What the hell are you, a rower?)  in what used to be a semi-decent visualisation of a song title. Hold your head high, pretend you didn’t just see your college child/tutor/library crush, and turn it into a stride of a pride. It won’t work, but you’ll feel better. Probably.


The Oxford. Bloody. Union.

I mean, seriously. Who actually cares? It’s just so annoying. Oh and did I mention I’m running for election because it’s 7th week and LOOK AT MY GRAYSCALE PROFILE PICTURE. VOTE #TeamVERSA4Oxford5Change

versa logo grayscale

Did someone say election?

VERSA wishes you, dear reader, the very happiest of vacations.

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This article has 4 comments

  1. lol pete this was actually funny

    well done xxx

  2. That Alys girl knows how to treat her bertolli

  3. You forgot to put the Oxford Far Left on here!

  4. The Usual Suspects

    We won’t miss the number of Je- uh, *Zionists* this city regrettably finds itself populated with.

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