Continuing its proud record of scrutiny, its relentless demands for transparency, and its lacklustre attempts at taking the piss, VERSA revisits an old habit: being gratuitously rude about OUSU

Recently, VERSA opened applications for new writers to join its (illustrious) team. Thinking it might be, well, jokes to throw a curveball in the mix, one of our final questions was as follows:

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Needless to say, it yielded some pretty strong answers. But beyond the classic vote to marry Andy H “for the chemistry”, and the repeated murders of OMB on the grounds of his being weird/racist/having an excessively shiny face, one question prevailed. A new, urgent lament rang clear and true. The people spoke with one voice, and their question was simple. Louis: where’s my fucking monorail

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Lies, damned lies, and LJT’s OUSU manifesto

So, we’ll cut him some slack: fifth week is probably on the way to the bin, the monolithic Guild effectively covers policy #2, and OUSU has, as promised, achieved world peace.

But Louis, dear Louis, the question remains. Where – is – our – fucking – monorail? This is a catastrophe. A trainwreck.

Zuleyka Shahin pledged a new lift for the Oxford Union, should she be elected. This was deemed so thoroughly impractical by insiders that one suggestion put to VERSA was that the two projects could be merged, in the ultimate stairlift rollercoaster – thus finally surmounting decades of OUSU-Union enmity and rancour.

But Zuleyka didn’t get elected, did she, Louis? And so, and so, we still don’t have a fucking monorail. Perhaps Trup, the famously edgy DJ, has been concentrating on the wrong kind of tracks.

Politicians who break their election promises are, rightly, held to account by tedious and self-important undergrads. Obviously, I consider it my sacred duty to uphold that tradition.

Look, Louis: I like you. I think you’re good at your job, and I think you’ve done well at putting democracy first this year. I like your weird shirts and friendly demeanour. I think you have pretty cool hair.

But the people spoke. And the people asked for one thing. And you, “LJT”, self-styled vox populi and wavey garms aficionado…you have let us down. 

Because sometimes, Louis, chugging along isn’t good enough. Did you not have enough training? Was there a signal failure in OUSU? We were all aboard in 2013 – but it’s all gone so wrong. Maybe, what with OUSU’s tendency to focus on grandstanding and national politics, Trup got ideas above his station. VERSA would suggest trying to get to the route of the problem…but, in the end, he’s crossed a line.

monorail

Get back on track, Louis

Apology song or GTFO. 

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