Some people take Burning Down the House (with Bloody Knuckles) more seriously than others. If getting clubbed while clubbing is your cup of VK, this is for you.

Following a long and arduous investigation, VERSA reveals the clubs, pubs, and bars in Oxford with the most crime. Remember, it’s quantity not quality. And one of your favourites might be in the top 8. If so, congratulations! If not, you should probably get out more.

In at number 8, and a surprise entry on the list, is Maxwell’s. A big favourite with the grads, so you know it’s going to be a bit dodgy. Fair play to them for being the only ‘restaurant’ on the list…and managing to beat ‘Spoons.

We had no idea this even existed. And given the above, we're not sure we mind.

We had no idea this even existed. And given the above, we’re not sure we mind.

Spot number 7 on the list goes to Cellar, with 62 crimes reported there over the past 3 years. No-one’s managed to burn the house down yet, though.

More than doubling Cellar’s total, 6th place goes to the Purple Turtle. Now, don’t… make… a… Union… joke… bugger.

The further you walk, the greater the self-loathing.

The further you walk, the greater the self-loathing.

5th place on the list goes to Camera. Our sources were unable to confirm whether students’ workloads from the Radcliffe version were included in the 133 reported crimes.

Wahoo snags 4th place. They might want to consider a name change, in solidarity with the victims of the 150 crimes that have taken place there over the last 3 years…

Taking the bronze medal is Thirst. Quite impressive from one of Oxford’s lesser-frequented night-time drinking establishments. VERSA can only imagine these are made up exclusively from people too drunk to get into Park End

…speaking of which, Oxford’s largest club manages to nab the number 2 spot. No jokes about the cheese floor, now.

Which leaves Bridge to take the gold! Technically, the 309 offences committed there (check out the Tab’s ‘Best Clubbers’ for some examples) also includes 16 from Anuba because, let’s be honest, they’re the same place.

Nothing to see here.

Nothing to see here.

Alexander Trafford, third-year student at Pembroke, commented: “The only thing criminal about Bridge is that they don’t serve Cristal. I have spent many nights at my table in VIP, with all my friends, feeling utterly miserable about this atrocity. Camera Fridays would never do this to me.”

VERSA can confirm that literally none of these statistics are enough to put its writers off a night of merriment in any of these fine, reputable establishments.

This article has 3 comments

  1. Why isn’t plush number 1?#SodomyIsSin

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