You’ve seen the boys. Now here come the men (and women)…

So, instead of monetary riches, d’you fancy yourself some cultural ones? Have you found, like me, that it is intellectual conversation rather than money, power, or looks, which turn you on? Well then, you’re in for a treat. Here is a list of the most lustworthy tutors in Oxford.

 

Those dreamy eyes... That dark, leonine mane... Sorry, you were saying

Those dreamy eyes… That dark, leonine mane… Sorry, you were saying?

1. Dr. Philip Bullock

Aaah, Philip. It is a truth universally acknowledged that he is unanimously beloved within the Slavonic faculty. As a tutor he is already inherently sexy, easily giving eroticism an intellectual twist with his specialisation in gender and sexuality in Russian literature. His sense of humour is renowned, and in lectures he’ll happily recount the most unbelievable and sexy parts of modern Russian literature (yes, yes there are lots) and demand that you “appeal to your revolutionary spirit”. Not convinced yet? Well, let me tell you, no human has ever looked better in a scholar’s gown.

laura ashe

Medieval romance? Tell me everything.

2. Dr. Laura Ashe

With her dramatic swoop of Ophelia-like long blonde hair and her radiant blue eyes, the English tutor at Worcester has all the students falling hard. She’s a true siren…and also a foremost expert on medieval romance. There you have it: the only tutor who can make Beowulf seem exciting.

Look at the lovely foliage. It took me several minutes to notice.

Look at the lovely foliage. It took me several minutes to notice.

3. Dr. Ben Morgan

The Draconian Dean. With his soft yet assertive voice crooning “I am the law” – what more could you want? Several ear piercings tell of his ultra-cool past as a hipster who spent his year abroad in East Germany a long time ago, and his expertise in dancing will have you swooning as he waltzes you romantically to the floor. So, let yourself be wooed as he offers you tea and chocolate during your tute, elegantly meandering from Goethe to the definition of happiness as a philosophical concept.

A terrifying resemblance.

A terrifying resemblance.

4. Harry Stevenson

A Hugh Grant lookalike with dreamy blue eyes and an adorable flop of brown hair, and a tutor for French – the most romantic of all languages and cultures – Harry Stevenson has everything going for him. He is once said to have complained that his love life was “as bad as Baudelaire’s”. Fellow students, it seems that this is a call. And never mind that he did his undergraduate studies at The Other Place: with a face like his and a degree in French, we ought to and can forgive him everything.

Effortless grace. I can't decide if I want to be her or marry her.

Effortless grace. The classic dilemma: I can’t decide if I want to be her or marry her.

5. Dr. Janina Dill

Bored of the English shores? Dr. Dill hails from the heart of beautiful Germany, and her work on international relations is of global renown. Dr. Dill boasts ethereal looks and a killer mind, having graduated from Dresden, Oxford, Princeton, and Cambridge. So, if you are not yet too intimidated by just how #flawless she is, let yourself be swayed by those magnetic eyes during a politics lecture…

jeremias.prassl

He could’ve been a superstar in the City – but look at him. You know he’s better than that.

6. Jeremias Prassl

Everyone knows lawyers are sexy. Rich (cisgender heteronormative white) men in Armani business suits are, after all, forever attractive (never mind the Armani suit, it’s the money we’re after). If, in addition, you fancy yourself international and open-minded, Jeremias might be the man for you. Educated at Oxford, in Paris and at Harvard, a regular lecturer in Beijing and Hamburg, Dr. Prassl will whisk you into a jet-setter lifestyle, in addition to defending you if you’re in trouble. Young, beautiful & useful? I’m in.

∀p (p → q) where p is "a lecture given by James Studd and q is "I will attend and swoon quietly in the front row:

∀p (p → q)
where p is “a lecture given by James Studd
and q is “I will attend and swoon quietly in the front row”

7. James Studd

His last name says it all. All of a sudden, philosophy and mathematics become terribly appealing. Especially when taught by a dashing young male with dreamy blue eyes… So, let him seduce you as he talks of potentialist reflection. After all, bimodal axiomatisation has never been so interesting (whatever that is).

image_portrait

Her own Wikipedia page. I’ve read it. All of it.

8. Maria Misra

Are you shallow enough to want to boast about your tutor having their very own Wikipedia page? Well, then, the mesmerising Maria Misra is your dream come true. The beautiful lecturer with glowing dark hair and a chiseled face specialises in imperialism and British colonialism. Basically a superstar, she appears on TV (especially the BBC) and writes for the Guardian and Financial Times on a regular basis. You wish you were at Keble now, don’t you?

GideonElford

There has been an unprecedented level of student misdemeanours since his induction to the decanal team. Nobody can explain it.

9. Gideon Elford

With his movie-star looks and a name which could be the one of a novel’s protagonist, Gideon is everything an undergrad could want. In addition to being a PPE professor, Dr. Elford is also the Assistant Dean of New College. If you lust for Oxonian power, we recommend that you’re prepared to maintain conversation about distributive justice for some time: who said shameless sycophancy can’t achieve anything?

She's trilingual. Of course she's bloody engaged.

She’s trilingual. Of course she’s bloody engaged.

10. Christina Hell

This is a tragic and miserable post. Ms. Hell is very much taken. We can do nothing but dream: nonetheless, channel your inner Valmont to woo this Austrian tutor with lustrous dark hair. Her last name is surely the mark of a femme fatale who’ll render you dizzy…

This article has 4 comments

  1. Why am I not on this list?

  2. Where is Dr Todd Huffman? The guy is a legend!

  3. Matthew Reynolds (St. Anne’s) should be on this list! His biceps left me unable to concentrate on Victotian Literature lectures (well I think they were on the Victorians). And his photo was chosen for the recent “beg graduates for money” missive.

    Obviously he’s married and worse still his wife is lovely.

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