‘Hogwarts for wankers’? You filthy mudblood.

Any self-respecting Potterhead will know that Hogwarts is already full of wankers – Slytherin house (or Gryffindor, if you’re hipster).  And thankfully, at Oxford and Cambridge, we have a place for them (it’s Christ Church or St John’s; take your pick). Yes, even wankers have a place in Oxbridge – that just goes to show what a tolerant and diverse community we have here. The general public should be comforted to know that we encourage wankers from all backgrounds – black, white, Hindu, Jewish, Muslim, state school and private school – all modes of wankery are welcome.

We even have ‘hackcess’ and ‘loutreach’ officers whose job it is to increase our wanker intake. In short, both universities are proud to be a haven for wankers of all sorts. Indeed, upon the advice of a recent Guardian article, Cambridge has even set aside one college, the aforementioned St John’s, as an all-wanker college – just to make them feel comfortable and unintimidated by the non-wankers.

The Christmas vac: for the first time ever, Christ Church becomes a wanker-free zone.

Christmas vac: for the first time ever, Christ Church becomes a wanker-free zone

For, surprisingly, not everyone who goes to Oxbridge is in fact a wanker. Like all universities (and indeed, some left-wing mainstream newspapers), we have our fair share of wankers – but the vast majority are, broadly speaking, nice (albeit somewhat geeky) people, and will probably have snickered at the opening Harry Potter joke.

In fact, anyone who assumes we actually call the kitchens ‘gyp rooms’ through choice (and not because the university is too cheap to take the old 1960s signs down) and thinks that our bedders/scouts actually make our beds (either that, or mine just hates me) evidently hasn’t been to either city and is simply jealous of the swag gowns that we sometimes wear to dinner.

‘Bedders’, ‘scouts’, ‘gyp rooms’, ‘sub-fusc’, ‘battels’ – whatever. They’re all just titles given to fairly mundane things; just as the title “journalist” is sometimes given to fairly mundane individuals. Even so, I’m sure even the proverbial Guardian journalist likes to go to a nice dinner every now and then (and probably won’t get food poisoning, like I did at a certain college) and will dress up for the occasion.

Oh, and the gowns aren’t medieval: they’re polyester and the fur trim is synthetic. Because lots of us care about ethics. No; neither Cambridge nor Oxford is anything like ‘Hogwarts for wankers’.

It’s just Hogwarts – a place where the weird and wacky and often marginalised can come and study and be accepted.

That, and the fact we have a Quidditch team.

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