Varsity. What a lovely idea. A bunch of Oxbridge students – many of them bright-eyed, eager young freshers – trek off to European slopes for a week of merry socialising and light-hearted skiing competitions. How diverting, how pleasant! Or so you might think.
The real story is far, far better – and this year in particular was a cracker. Things went downhill very fast. And no, we don’t mean the skiers.
1. The opening-night party
Despite NUCO and Varsity’s noble efforts to spruce up the giant gym hall with paper pineapples, it was still inescapably an, erm, giant gym hall. Plus, there were no shots available at the bar and my hip-flask was confiscated. So the terribleness took many pints of beer to block out.
A certain girl, however, took a slightly different strategy to distract herself. Evidently unsatisfied by the pineapple-style diversions, she proceeded to fellate one lucky chap in the middle of the hall. Reports claim she was so dedicated to the cause that she was only deterred when physically removed.
2. A Somerville fresher
After getting a bit carried away with après-VarCity, he proceeded to pass out on the table at his friend’s apartment. Turns out it wasn’t just his head that became sleepy and relaxed, but his bladder also, and he had “literally the biggest wee I have ever seen in my life” according to an eyewitness.
The boy remained unresponsive, and his friends called an ambulance (they later discovered that he’d downed three bottles of wine, and matched this by popping three valium pills). Whilst in hospital the hapless fresher awoke, refused treatment and to pay all medical bills, and kicked off at the police when they wouldn’t pay for his taxi back… thus landing himself in jail for a night, his ever-loyal friends having to go and bail him out the next morning.
3. The Mispers’ set at the Funiculaire Party
They say that any press is good press, so we’re reluctant to say anything about this band. But, well, it was best described as a cat’s coughed-up hairball in a sweaty wifebeater. Nonetheless, the terrible time we wasted trapped up a mountain listening to them yell ‘CAAAAAAMMMBRIDGE’ (two girls even fell asleep) was soon gained back: the lead singer’s messiah complex became such that he decided to crowdsurf, only to be promptly dropped on his head.
He then had cold and sticky drinks thrown at him, truly living up to his self-proclaimed ‘grungy and quite skanky’ aesthetic. Clearly, we were only trying to help out.
4. ‘Piss in Boots’
Although up against stiff Somerville competition, this Pembroke fresher also went a little too hard at après. After throwing up on himself, he proceeded to piss himself (which, according to him, went in his ski boots) and then lost his skis – the fines for this amounting to €400. (Interestingly, many pairs of rental skis vanished over this trip, causing many a similar charge. The same cannot be said for those more expensive skis owned by individuals.)
It was also this fresher who hosted the infamous opening night pre-drinking party: one that resulted in fireworks being blasted from the balcony and a plastic chair being launched off it – an act which landed the apartment with the threat of another fine – this one at €500. And we thought €7 chips at the mountain restaurant were bad…
5. The ‘upgraded’ accommodation
Not content with us paying £59 extra each, the residence decided to make the police patrol the streets, confiscating all alcohol and pouring it into the snow. We appreciate that this is the law, but retain some admiration for the brave Oxford student who cried in apparent dismay “C’est limonade! J’adore limonade” (at which the police officer laughed, and replied “Et moi”).
The beloved residence also made us wait for almost an hour to get the bus to the slopes. They redeemed themselves, however, by sending us this polite farewell text thanking us for our stay:
When VERSA contacted Varsity for comment, they played down allegations, stating that they had ‘received no complaints’ regarding #1 and #4, and that they had received ‘no reports’ of #3 occurring.
Varsity expressly denied #2, on the grounds that ‘Our staff are called to help out with all medical incidents to help with the translation and logging processes’. Presumably no such event had been ‘logged’.
VERSA notes that, in all cases, its sources are eyewitness accounts made by those directly involved. The sole exception to this is #1, in which no member of VERSA staff was, ahem, ‘directly involved’.
So, all in all – roll on 2015. Let’s be honest: it can’t get much worse…