It is obviously a complete myth that you need to be clever or hard-working to defeat the Oxford interview. You’ve already done that on the written test and personal statement. You will have to do it again after the interviews to get your A-Level grades. The interview stage is all about technique and ‘practical intelligence’. Thanks to VERSA, learn the easy tricks that helped all current and past Oxford students survive their interview and earn their place…

THE HISTORY BOYS, 2006

Hey, this worked for Dakin.

1. Blackmail

This only works if you apply for PPE or Economics & Management. Find some dirt on your tutor – if they teach economics there probably will be some – or, if that fails, pretend to have dirt on them. You will never need to follow through with your threat because your tutor will award you a place for you ‘ingenuity’ and business brain.

2. Seduction

Particularly effective for science tutors. No comment on why that might be. You seduce them, put some quantum theory into your pillow talk, welcome to Oxford.

Queuing outside, hungover, at 9am, dressed as a penguin: so much to look forward to

Queuing outside, hungover, at 9am, dressed as a penguin: so much to look forward to

3. Alcohol

If studying any literature-based subject, alcohol is your route to enlightenment. Hemingway did it, Fitzgerald did it, now it’s your turn. Alcohol will get the creative juices flowing and secure you a spot in your chosen college.

4. Find the room

About 90% of places awarded to study Geography are to those who find their interview room(s) without help. The proportions are surprisingly high in other subjects as well. It’s a simple but accurate measure of intelligence.

5. Dress to impress

Counter-intuitively, this does not mean dress in a sharp suit and killer heels; dressing really weirdly is equally impressive. It’s all about being remembered, so t-shirts with ‘Hard Cock Life’ on them are just as good as salmon trousers and tweed jackets.

Two classic interview looks

Two classic interview looks

Jokes. Just be interesting, interested in your subject, and clever enough to make the offer they’ll give you. You’ll be fine.

This article has 4 comments

  1. this piece lacks structure/a masterplan

  2. I offered my interviewer a reduced rate on wonga.com and was given an offer on the spot!

  3. I give this article a T: Troll.

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