We interviewed the man behind Michaelmas’s biggest controversy to find out the real reason behind THAT stray shit.

Before asking him about that, though, we thought it would be nice to see how he was getting on. Versa takes the welfare of our freshers seriously.

So, you’re a fresher. How have you find your first Michaelmas term? Have you made friends, and settled in well?

Yes I’ve settled in very well, thank you. I’ve been surprised at how many genuinely nice and normal people there here – but you’d know all about that, wouldn’t you Mr Hedges? I mean, you were the one that penned that infamous Tab article, were you not?

Yes that was me, and I’ve had more than my fair share of hate for it thank you very much. But back to the interview, do you feel you go out too much? Too little? Would you say you’re a sociable person?

I see myself as a very sociable person – I find it extremely easy to talk to someone I’ve only just met and instantly get on their nerves. I do go out quite a bit yes, but I’d say it’s the intensity of my nights out that is an issue rather than their frequency.

You told me you were a medic – how are you finding studying such an infamously demanding subject in an Oxford environment?

Fucking dreadful. I’m planning on just enjoying my year here before the inevitable failure and (re-sits notwithstanding) subsequent transfer to do biochemistry at Cardiff or somewhere equally shit.

Nice choice of words, it leads me onto perhaps the pivotal question of this interview, the question everyone has been dying to ask: Why did you shit in that bath? Was it a political statement of some sort?

I certainly consider it an anti-establishment gesture – a ‘Rage Against the Latrine’, if you will.

…I see. Do you not think this event strikes a discord with you as a possible medical doctor? I mean, its not very health and safety is it ?

Nowhere in ‘Good Medical Practice’, the General Medical Council’s guide on professional behaviour, does it say that doctors shouldn’t shit in baths.

Fair enough. Do you think you’ll be shitting again? Will you turn into some sort of serial shitter?

Probably not – I’m in hot water enough as it is! [bad dum tss! ] I’ll probably keep it on as an occasional treat, like a fish supper once every few Friday evenings or the odd half-gram of MDMA.

Well I’m sure we all look forward to our next serving of shit supper. Did you do similar things at your old school? Rumour has it there was a similar occurrence at Magdalen College school – was this you?

No comment.

Mysterious… Last question: aside from the shit, did you enjoy the party?

Yes, I really enjoyed it – can’t wait to receive my invite to the next one!

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This article has 3 comments

  1. Let the games begin

  2. Duke Fondlewet-Chikhmatov

    I discern a most commendable will to power in that young man.

  3. Nah mate, this isn’t on

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