Every time an Oxford scandal erupts, everyone goes on and on about how Oxford students will be running the country some day. But who exactly will be running the country? Versa has done the digging and picked out our best bets as to who exactly will be packing the front benches at Westminster.  Thank us in 30 years.

 

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“I’m big and important!! Right guys? …Right??”

Roberto Weeden-Sanz

Possibly the hackiest-hack in Oxford, this Benet’s boy seems to model himself on the perfect little Tory angel. Until you see him on the Bridge dance floor, that is (we’re certain the pole upstairs will never quite recover). He never quite made it in OUCA, having been denied the coveted position of Political Officer not once, but twice. However, despite his lack of college electoral base, he has managed to climb the greasy pole of another hallowed institution. We don’t doubt Roberto’s political acumen, having seen him plaster his face across Union ball fliers and throw “birthday parties” for hundreds well after his actual birthday. He also claims President of Catholic Society and Secretary of Jewish Society amongst his past positions. Yes, we’re confused too. He’s unopposed for the Union Presidency (with RON having died a tragic death), which frankly is great for us here at Versa because we now won’t get legal threats.

 

I'm halfway there, bitches

I’m halfway there, bitches

Rupert Cunningham

Rupert fell on his face in the Union, almost beaten by spoilt ballot papers in his race for Secretary. Nonetheless, he still managed to climb to the towering heights of the OUCA Presidency. This Christ Church hack was late off the starting blocks entering the Oxford BNOC sphere, but was saved by his four-year course. Helping champion the LGBTories, you’ll find him making regular appearances in Plush. It’s probably true that most OUCA hacks are future Conservative local councillors, but we think Rupert is good enough at politics to succeed in Westminster, and he is certainly capable of getting his fellow Tories on their feet when he speaks.

 

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Need we say more?

Verity Hubbard

This outspoken LMH girl has her fingers in many a pie. Currently OUCA Secretary, she unexpectedly decided not to contest the top job this term. She is on her way up at the Union, however, being unopposed for Standing Committee, a position which throws her thoroughly into the “hack” typecast. Earlier this month she wrangled an appearance on Sky News to talk about poppies and Remembrance day (female – tick, Tory, tick). Miss Hubbard been sighted outside Corpus with a coterie of OUCA boys, scheming and whispering “SHHHH, they’ll hear us in Christ Church!” A revolution to come? Next Theresa May? Maybe.

 

He even already looks like a Tory MP

He even already looks like a Tory MP

Charles Malton

One time Union Treasurer, Malton resigned amidst the debacle that was last term. We’ve been told that his cheerleading for the Tories goes way back to his early teens, when he allegedly ran a blog and had an email account with the username “Tory Teenager”. With no Facebook cover photo or profile picture, Malton goes to extreme ends to protect his surprisingly untarnished public reputation. An active member of the Oxford CU, he seems to do a good job of ticking all the boxes. If we’re going to be honest here, could probably just sit there and do nothing and his Christ Church and Westminster heritage will get him the rest of the way.

 

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Ministerial

Ministerial

Aled Jones

A Labour pin-up boy and YouTube star, this Welsh sheep farmer ‘puts the party in the Labour party’. Over the summer he underwent the Westminster baptism of fire when he was picked on by Guido Fawkes for being a ‘champagne socialist’ after being papped in white tie. The future Rt Hon. Aled Jones has been co-chair of OULC and has already had a taste of Labour candidacy, standing unsuccessfully to become an Oxford local councillor for Holywell. Equally unsuccessful in numerous Corpus JCR elections, he might take a while to actually win himself a seat… but once he does we’re sure he’ll propel himself into one of the top jobs. He also used to attend Port and Policy almost every week as a fresher. Curiouser and curiouser…

You can watch him prance about on camera with his sheep in support of Labour here.

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Henry Zeffman

Ex-OULC big dog and Brasenose JCR pres Zeffman has had a good run in Oxford politics. A member of the Highgate-hack mafia, however, less successful as a student journalist, when in his first year he ran into trouble when he went “undercover” to Port and Policy for a Cherwell investigation. He wasn’t really all that undercover and we hear nobody really minded, that was until until the shit hit the fan when he “misheard” the Political Officer of the day saying “shame for being a woman”. We’re not 100% sure whether it was in fact a mishearing, but it is fair to say that he has experience in the art of cross-party mud slinging.  He also plays the organ. We’re not sure whether that will help him, but everyone likes musicians.

Fiery

Fiery

Helena Dollimore

This Hilda’s hack seems to have been gunning for the top job from the moment she knew what it was. Having spoken at the Labour Party conference in 2011 when she was still in sixth form, she was heavily involved in Jane Cahill’s unsuccessful OUSU candidacy last year, held the (prerequisite) position of OULC co-chair and still holds a few ambiguous positions in Young Labour. A prolific tweeter, she’s managed to keep her profile high. She also enshrined herself as one of Oxford’s premier self-appointed media law experts when she was heavily involved in the open letter regarding the Sullivan rape case, though unfortunately much of it had to be deleted due to libel.

Indeed.

Indeed.

Dan Turner

We were surprised not to see Mr Turner make an appearance in the OUSU elections, having been touted as a possible candidate since the day he was elected JCR President at Balliol. Nothing more embarrassing, perhaps, than being beaten by a joke candidate (as his JCR and OULC predecessors did). He was also a one time mini-Union hack, before turning his gaze toward more socially acceptable pastimes like singing karaoke at Pres-com. With those dulcet tones, he’d get anyone’s vote.

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It also happened.

 

Liberal Democrats

Who?

 

This article has 6 comments

  1. What about me

  2. Can’t believe I didn’t get a mention in your shitey little newspaper. I successfully ran the “No” campaign for East Dunbartonshire and am an OUCA BNOC. AND i got rid of my braces this summer, watch out ladies 😉

  3. Duke Fondlewet-Chikhmatov

    I agree completely

  4. I’m a traitor.

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